Borderline personality disorder and bipolar disorder are unique, and it's actually crazy to know I have both, both of them ruin me every day. I am diagnosed with bipolar type one; I just assumed I was a crazy fucking bitch because I constantly wanted to move refrigerators at 3 AM in the morning because I thought I needed to clean at 3 AM in the fucking morning, and I thought that was the best thing in life at the time. The thing about having both is the craziest feeling one minute, you feel like you're the badass, and then the next minute, you're fucking wanting to hurt somebody and lovebomb them so hard to the point where you just want them to keep coming back and sweep everything under the rug and act like everything's okay. I'm a fucked up individual I never was perfect, and I never thought I was.
I take that back.
I don't think I'm a fucked up individual I just think my mind is a fucked up individual thing that I have, and it's part of my body; something we can control and some things we can't, unfortunately, my disorders have to be controlled by pills and management through my doctor because if not, I will be at your house at 3 AM in the morning thinking that your fridge needs to be cleaned and moved.
I don't get to sit here and have a wonderful life with the husband of my dreams or the girlfriend of my dreams; the thing is, I feel like I need everything and everyone all at once or just never at all; they call it manic episodes, and when it happens to me, I treat everybody like shit, and I don't mean to, I get into promiscuous sex with different individuals because I feel like it would make me feel better and that's something not to rave about because, in the end, I'm constantly having to get tested. I constantly have to make sure that I'm mentally okay, all while having a child and different things are going on in my life and the career path that I'm building. it fucking sucks. And I don't wish this whole fucking bullshit upon anybody.
People call it a trend, people use it as a trend and it's not a trend. It is the most suffocating thing to have both of those, along with depression and generalized anxiety, and I am sick of it. I know others are too, I'm not the only one who has this type of disorder I know a girl who literally ditched her kids and ran off with some other dude into another city all while doing drugs, and that's part of borderline personality disorder because in the end, if it's left, untreated, nasty, things can happen to us, especially me. I'm glad I got it treated, but it will never go away because if I don't take that little fucking pill that I have, I go into a manic episode.
Manic episodes are like ticking time bombs either way, we're going to blow up, and it makes me sad to know I am like this, especially to other people that I love. But I learned to stay humble now and to learn to love myself. But there are days I do slip.
I wake up every day, and I wonder when my mind is going to stop, the brain is something really funny that we all really don't know about because there are different nerves of the brain that don't connect correctly to other brain nerves and things shortly start to go badly. The nerves in my brain are not all connected correctly because if they were, I would probably be out in London right now, I would not have a kid, and I would've been completely fucking "normal."
My mind is crazy, and I think others have a mind that is familiar to mine. But sooner or later, I have a feeling that I won't be here much longer.
But that could just be my overthinking, you see? I always have this feeling in my body that something is not quite right with me.
somehow it makes sense to me
what I should be doing and saying and thinking about, but is it my manic episode? or is it actually going to happen?
YOU ARE READING
The Thoughts Of Amber
Short StoryThis book is not just about me but the life that I lived and the things that I've seen and done it was never about making sure I was the greatest, I want the story to be told from my own perspective, my own opinion, and most likely to give advice to...
