The Thoughts Of Amber

Chapter Fourteen: The Hands Of You

Blunt Force Trauma to the head, bruises that look like mixed paint, and a black eye that looks like I put too much effort into my smokey makeup, that's what I looked like every day with you.

The hands of you weren't pretty, they weren't sweet or kind, they were scary and most of all not welcoming.
There were more than two of you that make up this chapter, and I could talk about it forever, but we all know we're not going to go that far yet so I'm going to talk about it briefly I'm going to talk about maybe one or two of them the rest can come later.

One: you were a force of nature, came stumbling into my life I was young and stupid I lived in a crappy city, and your type was everywhere I tried to avoid it, but I was blindsided, most of the time I was but for some reason, I couldn't let you go. The tan skin, the beautiful blue and green eyes, the glasses that made up the face, and most of all, the smile any person would love, the family that was always there for you, the parties never stopped with you guys, and I think I enjoyed it, maybe that's what kept me going the thought of knowing that your family was there, but most of your family were alcoholics, you had one sister that was the mature one out of all, and she reminded me of myself, even then she couldn't escape reality with the abuse of her own man; she knew that you would've been better and I believe that you could've been to, but you weren't.
You believed others over me, you chose drugs and alcohol over me, you chose the party life over me, but I should've known that because look at your family. I used all that I had for you; any money I got I used for you, I gave you my body when I didn't want to, yes I was raped by you but didn't tell a soul, I was forced into positions I did not want to be in, just to make you happy.
And when you kept leaving, I still ran after you. My family was disappointed in me, but I still kept running towards you because, in some ways, I could not let go of you; you loved to slap me with an open hand across my face, throw me to the ground, and kick me, you told me no one would love me because I am nothing, but I never believed you I know I am something, just not something for you.

Two: You knew I was going to write about you, so here are your little words of fame or recognition; when I met you, you were the perfect guy; you had a shitty car, but who cares I still looked at you and I thought forever, but who knew our forever involved a child born out of wedlock, nobody understood why I loved you, and at the time I didn't realize either, you were just so handsome and so healthy I loved every inch of you, now look at you skinny than a skeleton, and you don't have a pot to piss in, and you're alone, for some odd reason I'm still the blame of your life, apparently, I still made your life worse. Believe it or not, I made your life better; you had everything you ever wanted when you were with me, and now look at you having nothing, and I have everything.
We could've had a life together, believe it or not; we were engaged you just did not care to acknowledge that; your hands kept meeting my skin but not in a sexual way; it was a torment way. Your eyes would go black, and that scared me, you don't remember half the things you did, so let me remind you. You couldn't help that I had a life, I had friends, and I had a family that loved me you envy me, and I still think you do; our son saw it all, and you're still the blame for his trauma, including mine.
We were still moving into our little tiny shack, and you got mad at me because I was telling the truth about how narcissistic you were; you pushed me onto our bed you got behind me, pulled my hair to the point where it was bleeding from my scalp, I told you "stop, please"  you told me "shut the fuck up" because if I screamed for help you didn't like that, so to shut me up you wrapped your hands around my throat you squeezed, and you squeezed and I could not breathe I tried to gasp but I couldn't. I tried to reach for something, but there was nothing in my grasp, just me losing air and slowly passing out, I counted in my head, I counted every second, and I prayed to god you would let your hands release from my throat, god answered. You let go, I tried to run, I ran to grab our son, you pulled me to the ground, you said you were going to kill me and that nobody would love me, I grabbed onto our son, and I said, "please stop he's watching," you finally came out of it and told me it was all my fault, I went into the bathroom cleaned off myself, changed into my night clothes, and I walked out and acted like nothing ever happened. We continued to unpack; you grabbed my face, squeezed it as hard as you could, and said, "If I killed you, nobody would have missed you."

Both of you were wrong, and you both are still wrong; nobody loved you, nobody cared about you both, so you took it out on me, and that was not fair, but even though you both kept doing that, I still showed you love, I still showed remorse, I kept trying, and trying, and trying until I was almost 6 feet under.

Abuse & trauma is what you gave me and left me to clean up. But I'm doing fine now; you both are toxic. Still trying to chase whatever you have that's not going for you, but I forgive. I don't hate either of you, but I know I won't be treated like that again. Thank you for the warning signs, thank you for the red flags, thank you for showing me what I am worth.

The hands of you were not good enough, but I know I am good enough.