All jokes aside, having mental illnesses more than the average person is the most exhausting thing in my life, and I'm not saying that I have the worst of mental illnesses more than anybody else, but does it drain me every day? Yes, it does. I wake up every morning, and the first thing that I need to do is take my medication, that's the first thing that needs to be on my mind because if I don't, I can become manic or really depressed. There were times that I accidentally skipped my meds, and I was in bed for days, not just days, but weeks.
The thing about depression and having anxiety at the same time is honestly so exhausting. I wish people understood that you can't just control the emotions you have because of your mental illnesses; they don't let you have control over your brain. Something inside your brain is not working correctly the way it should, and honestly, it has been characterized as "normal" in this generation. But can we normalize that it is actually not normal? That our brains shouldn't go through that much trauma to the point where we have to take medication to be normal? I never realized how much I have actually gone through in my life to this point.
The pills are the worst part, and I thought the trauma was knowing it's an everyday thing, and if I don't have it, my mind is not okay. And who wants to live like that? Obviously, not me. Clearly, I have to in order to be successful & "normal" Oh, it's the worst. I never liked medicine; I never liked the thought of putting something down my throat; either it would kill me or drug me up to the point where I don't feel anything; it's funny how I say that. Because I was a drug addict for so long, snorting lines, acting like my life was just amazing, but I can't handle a FUCKING PILL? That's supposed to help me? Do you see how my mind is? It's like my brain thinks it better to keep snorting instead of taking a pill that could actually help my illnesses. but I guess you could say it all works the same: feeling numb, numbing that entire side of you that you don't want other people to know, not even yourself. I miss who I was before the pills, before the drugs, before the addiction, before the trauma. nobody ever likes to talk about it because you never know where you'll end up. At this point, I thought I was going to be in a psychiatric ward for the rest of my life, not sitting in my own apartment writing a book about my life and having full custody of my child.
One of the best feelings is knowing I have gotten this far, but I miss who I used to be. I sometimes wish I was still sleeping in hotels with my ex-girlfriend, snorting lines together, but then a part of me kind of just likes the fact that I can just take a pill and not have to feel like I'm going to overdose. It sucks having mental illnesses. I see all these other girls online, with their happy little ring, with their little family, with their little lives. Making me regret living my crap life and making me regret having to take a pill to keep going so I don't fucking kill myself.
I keep thinking to myself, I wish I were the type of girl that had that mindset of "ordinary." While I sit here fighting my demons every day, they take pictures with their forevers and the white wedding that I always wanted. not saying I am jealous; I just wish I didn't have to take a fucking pill.
Just pills and more pills every day; you get it at this point.
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The Thoughts Of Amber
Short StoryThis book is not just about me but the life that I lived and the things that I've seen and done it was never about making sure I was the greatest, I want the story to be told from my own perspective, my own opinion, and most likely to give advice to...
