SECRETS WE TELL THE STARS

xxi

We haven't fought with Ryan either in a while. It is civil in our household. I guess because Julian is taking a gentler approach and Ryan realises that I need some space and I acknowledge they both want what's best for me. It is confusing to navigate. We are all so young. We have no clue what we are doing.

Our life is simpler than it used to be. No longer do we worry about cold nights with cold mothers. We do not worry about food on the table and how we will get home after a late-night party. Now our problems are different, but I cannot say which I prefer. Perhaps neither.

Julian nudges my shoulder. "What do you want for your birthday?"

"What?"

Julian rolls his eyes. "Your birthday's coming up. What do you want?"

I think. Then I shrug. "I don't want anything."

"You don't want a party?"

"I need friends for that."

Julian bites the inside his cheek. I don't want to know what he's thinking.

"When can I head to Ashton's again?" I ask, changing the topic.

"I told you; he can come over whenever he wants to ours."

"That's not the same," I grumble.

"Why not?"

"Because his parents don't interrupt us every ten minutes."

Julian scowls.

"Relax," I quickly say. "Jeez, don't analyse everything I say. We're going slow. Well, kinda. I guess."

"I'm not used to this."

"You don't need to be used to this. It's not your relationship."

Julian stops me from walking further. I groan as he pulls me back. "You know what I mean. I can't put any restrictions on your relationship without feeling like I'm controlling you. But I had rules that I had to follow when I was dating."

"You never dated," I scoff.

Julian chuckles. "How are you so sure of that?"

"I just know."

Julian pats my head. I slap his arm away as he says, "You are so naïve, May."

As we begin walking back to the house, and Julian goes silent, I know what to expect.

He eventually speaks up. "The rules that I set up a few days ago still stand. I want you to stay at home until you feel better–"

I attempt to interject. "I am better–"

But Julian cuts me off. "You know what I mean. After that, though, I'll be fine if you stay at his. As long as you come home before midnight and that you update me every few hours. If you want to go to, I don't know, a bar or something, then you need to call me. And you can't drink because you're driving home. Not a sip."

I raise my eyebrows. "Midnight? Really."

"When you're eighteen, I'll reconsider."

"Fuck you."

"How about when you start acting eighteen? That'll take a few more years, won't it?" He laughs as I shove him. "So? You agree?"

"You didn't have these rules when you were seventeen."

"Cause my mother didn't give a shit about me. I give a shit about you, kid."

Ten minutes later, as the house approaches our view and as I dwindle on my cousin's words, I realise how lonely his teenage years would have been. Not having anyone there to care. At least I have Julian, and at some point in my life, Ryan, making sure I was okay. Julian was the oldest when Ryan left. He had no one looking out for him when he was always looking out for others.