SECRETS WE TELL THE STARS

viii

This next morning, I wake up to shouts. The shouts soon turn into hushed whispers. I disentangle myself from my bed sheets and slouch towards my bedroom door, where I press my ear against the thin walls. I can hear Julian and Ryan talking. They don't sound pleased with one another but that's not any different from usual.

I hear Ryan ask, "Why didn't you tell me? I deserve to know."

"She didn't want me to tell you," Julian says. "You may be her brother but you haven't acted like one for the last couple of years. Don't act so surprised she doesn't tell you things. She's keeping a lot from you."

"And you're letting her?!"

"I have no right to make her tell you anything. That's on her."

"You act so high and mighty like you're better than me. You know I had no choice, Julian."

"You chose to take drugs. You threw yourself into that lifestyle. You left when she needed you the most."

"The most? What happened?"

"Like I said, it's not my place to tell–"

"It is! You haven't answered any of my questions about why you live in this lonely house in the middle of Goddamn nowhere. You haven't told me why I couldn't tell ma' about where you are. You haven't answered anything."

"It's not your place to ask questions. Just wait for answers yourself. If you're not satisfied with that, then you can leave."

"You told me your sister grabbed gas. I can leave now. You haven't told me to go. I've been waiting on you."

I close my eyes, waiting for their next response.

"So, you'll leave just like that? Good luck reaching out again."

"What on earth do you want me to do then?!"

"You can stay. Stay until May tells me she wants you gone. Stay and don't leave on your own accord because she doesn't deserve to live in that aftermath of you gone again."

I hear enough, and stumble out of my room, making my presence known when I slam my bedroom door behind me. My room is located right next to the living and dining rooms, whereas the guest bedroom and Julian's room are located at the back of the house. This means that they both can see me appear straight away. They drop their heated expressions into something more comforting and solemn. Their faces show me everything they don't want to say out loud.

Julian greets me first. "What have I told you about slamming doors?" Then he adds, "Good morning."

I groan and rub my eyes. "I'm too tired to get lectured, Julian."

"It wasn't a lecture."

I drop my hands and send him an incredulous look. "It was."

Julian silently asks me if I heard anything. I don't convey anything, and push past the two figures, opening the front door. I hear Ryan ask behind me, where I'm going, but Julian informs him that I'm fine.

I sit on the porch for a while, alone. Julian does not join me straight away, but when he does, he brings two cups of warm black tea with him. I thank him quietly and let the warm heat my palms as I stare into the horizon. The trees don't look wild and free today. Maybe they're dying under the summer heat. It's getting warmer. The mornings are never this warm.

"How did you sleep?" Julian asks me.

"Well," I respond quietly after our period of silence passes. I still have a morning breath, but Julian appears to be awake for hours. His hair is tamed and he's wearing shorts and a black shirt. He has his shoes on, so I wonder if he's already gone on a run. "Did you take me to my room? I remember falling asleep on the couch."