SECRETS WE TELL THE STARS

v

There stands my older brother who I haven't seen in years.

I am speechless.

Julian moves to stand in front of me. "May," he says my name.

"What is he doing here?" I spit.

"Maya?"

Julian pushes my shoulders so I can't see his face. I think he expects me to be angry, to blow up. But I don't feel angry. I don't feel anything. Seeing Ryan, a face I haven't seen in years should make me livid, but it doesn't.

"I'll explain everything later, I promise."

"Later? Why not now?" I ask, numbly.

"Because he's leaving." Julian turns to my brother. "You're leaving Ryan."

"No, I'm not," Ryan scoffs and his voice sounds the same. He acts like he didn't leave all those years ago. As if he doesn't remember he didn't even say goodbye. "Let me talk to her Julian. She's my sister."

"So you've finally remembered after all this time?"

"Just let me see her."

I swallow and shrug off Julian's hold as I open the front door and move outside. I sit on the porch and watch the moon in wonder. I hear Julian shout at Ryan behind me. He told me before that he does not shout at people unless they deserve it. I guess Ryan deserves it, then.

Ten minutes pass until I hear the front door open and Julian slip outside. I do not turn around to know it is him as I am used to the sound of his footsteps. Every morning I anticipate hearing them before he forces me out of bed. Once, they had been Ryan's footsteps I could distinguish, shoving me out of bed so I was not late for school. Before he left. Before he left me alone and did not stay.

Julian sits next to me and nudges my shoulder. His eyes are warm, contrasting the icy brown from before. "You okay?" he asks as he always does.

"Why is he here?" I ask immediately. "How did he know we were here?"

Julian exhales as if it pains for him to admit, "I told him."

I force myself to not blow up. Julian promised he would explain everything after all. "Why? When?"

"He wanted to speak with me and clear everything up. So, I made sure you weren't home while he visited, but he stayed longer than I thought he would – I didn't expect him to see you. I know you wouldn't want that. I know you don't."

"So, you wanted me out of the house because of him?"

"Partially, yeah."

"What did he want to talk about?" I ask quietly.

"He explained his story of why he left." Julian pauses. "Do you want to know?"

I think about it. Though I do, and though I want to know more than anything else why Ryan was at home one day and left the next with no explanation, with nothing left of him but his lost memories, I know I shouldn't care. I promised myself long ago I would not care about him when he could not even bother to say goodbye. Ryan left when he was seventeen. He left when I was twelve.

"I can tell him to leave. I can tell him to never come again."

"Where's he staying tonight?"

"Well, he drove all day, so I proposed that he sleep in the guest room. I can kick him out though. I didn't want him to drive tired." Julian is the nicest person I know. And though I don't know many people, many of those I do know are many standards under him. He is something I am not used to.