SECRETS WE TELL THE STARS

xx

Julian is tired.

He returns from his short trip with a few plastic bags. He enters the house wordlessly and I don't break the silence he exists within by asking him questions. I don't ask him where he has been, or why he was gone, or what is in the bags that he has brought with him. All he says is to take a seat in the dining room while he cooks breakfast. I do not have the heart to respond 'no' and tell him that I'm not hungry. Not when his eyes are sad and the exhaustion that settles within his bones is evident from afar.

I sit on my seat and Ryan sits in front of me. I go on my phone and text Ashton.

My phone is taken out of my hands. By Julian.

I stare at him weirdly. "What?"

"No phones at the table." Julian then glances at my brother, who gruffly slides his phone into his pocket.

"It was important," I mumble. "Ashton wants me to come over."

Julian exhales slowly. He informs me, "You can't."

"Why not?" I glare.

Julian looks at Ryan. They keep sharing unspoken words and they keep leaving me in the dark. It is only a few days ago when Julian and I tell each other everything and keep Ryan hidden from our secrets. Now Ryan knows more, and they don't tell me things. I feel like screaming.

"We decided that it would be best if we didn't head to town for the next few weeks," Julian states carefully. "Just so we can figure out... what's going on. We need to make sure you're okay."

"I'm grounded?"

"No," Julian denies. "You're not."

"So, you won't stop me from seeing Ashton?"

Julian exhales. "I'm not stopping you from seeing him, Maya. He can come to visit you here. I just need to make sure..." he trails off and I understand what he does not want to say aloud: he wants me in his eyesight. He doesn't want me throwing up and taking pills and not eating. Julian needs to control me just as much as I need to control myself.

"Okay," I say slowly, weighing up my options. "Then he can come over today?"

"Not exactly. Can we speak about this through breakfast?"

I sigh. But I agree.

Julian cooks slowly. Ryan keeps glancing at me. There is an uneasy silence. A cold calm before the eventual storm.

I bury my head in my arms on the table. I close my eyes and just before I fall asleep, Julian tells me to sit up because he has finished making breakfast.

Usually, we eat fruit, eggs, and bacon. Sometimes with toast. Julian poaches the eggs or scrambles them.

Today it is all different. Julian balances a cup of tea and a plate of hash browns, buttered toast, sausages, and baked beans. The plate is full. He places the meal in front of me and then grabs two more plates for himself and Ryan. Ryan has a coffee. Julian has a sweet tea.

He watches me warily. I watch the food silently.

Julian speaks for me. "I wanted to switch it up today."

My eyelid twitches. "Why?"

Julian shrugs. "Does there have to be a reason?"

"Yes, there does."

"Maya," Ryan interrupts us. "Just thank Julian for cooking."

I glare at him. I push the chair back as I stand. "You guys are teaming against me now? I cannot believe this."