SECRETS WE TELL THE STARS

xix

remember to check the tw before reading xx

a little more intense chapter

When I wake up again, I am lying on my bed, hidden under my covers.

There are soft murmurs that come from somewhere, though I do not know where. I hear the distant clock ticking, an indicator that time does not stop for me. The ceiling above me is chipping and the paint is uneven, and I know the covers I sleep under are my own.

I distinguish the voice as Julian's. "Go to sleep," he whispers when he realises that I'm awake.

I groan. "What happened?"

"Go to sleep," he repeats, and I do.

When I wake up again, I am not in my room; I am in the living room. My blanket is with me, and my pillows have been placed carefully under me. I rub my eyes, and my head spins. My vision is blurry. I don't know what's happening to me.

I think Julian does. Clearly. Because when I register my surroundings again and focus, I see him directly in my peripheral vision. He stares at me sadly. The lingering frown etched on his expression is unsettling, especially because I do not know what has caused it.

He tells me, softly, very quietly, "Good morning."

A million questions run through my head. The one I ask is, "Is Ryan still here?"

Julian's frown deepens. "You don't remember?"

"Remember what?"

Julian comes closer to me. His steps are careful and uncertain. He takes a deep breath when he sits down by me. I am so tired. My bones settle. I wish to fall asleep again. I wish to escape it all.

Julian tells me, "Ryan won't leave for a while, Maya."

"Why not?" I ask timidly. Perhaps because this situation is confusing and hurts to think about. I am shoved through a mixture of emotions. First, I find my brother has reappeared. Then, he decides to stay. Then, there are countless arguments. He wants to leave. But he doesn't. Julian informs me right now that he will not be leaving, and I am as confused as ever because I recall very well my brother deciding to pack his bags and the sound of the front door slamming.

"Ryan's not going to leave until... until he's sure you're okay. He doesn't want to leave."

"Until I'm okay?" I blink.

"Do you honestly not remember?"

I shake my head. My hair falls in front of my eyes. My locks of brown hair feel sweaty and greasy, and I pull them out of my face.

"Ryan found you... in the bathroom throwing up," Julian finally admits. "You could barely get up or hear him. You didn't have any energy."

"I don't understand..." I pause. I try and recall the events of the past. I think I do. "I was feeling sick... it was because I was feeling nauseous."

"Was it?" Julian swallows, and his jaw clenches tightly. "May... you weren't throwing yourself up, were you? I just... I just need to make sure."

I stand up quickly. My words become of heat and fury. "Julian. Julian. Holy shit! You think I threw up on purpose? Of course not!"

My cousin scratches his jawline. "I want to believe, Maya. I always do. But... the sight... you weren't okay. I don't want to doubt you but I can't help but–"

"You think I'm lying?"

Julian tugs my hand, so I sit down again. Unwillingly, I do so. As I do so, I am met with a rush of fatigue. I sit down fast. Julian narrows his eyes. "You don't have the energy to even stand. You've barely been drinking water. You're not okay, May. You shouldn't be throwing up so often."