SECRETS WE TELL THE STARS

xiii

Ashton's lips are warm and gentle.

They are everything I miss.

He kisses me longingly and then his lips lower to my neck. I close my eyes, and then his touch is quicker and soon I feel everything I did not feel with Tony. Ashton is careful and considerate and he asks me quietly if what he's doing is okay. I'm left startled and in wonder and left to respond with an almost ineligible 'yes.'

When we are finished, and panting, and smiling, we roll over and lay side by side. His bare shoulder feels my thick sweater, and he leans forward to kiss my lips again. I pull my fingers into his long hair, so long, and smile against his pink lips.

"Sleep over," he proposes.

"I can't," I laugh. "I have to go soon."

"It's almost three."

"I know." I do not know. I have not checked my phone once after hanging up on Julian.

"Why did you fight with your cousin?"

I exhale. "It's a long story."

"We have the time."

Ash picks up my fingers and folds my fingers between his. He taps my hand and waits for me, and then his eyes gleam at me in patience.

"Julian's always worried," I explain. "Sometimes it becomes too much. He does too much. I know he doesn't mean to, but I can't handle it."

"What does he worry about?"

I wonder if I'll tell Ashton all my secrets. But I guess he doesn't ask for all of them now. One day, when he does, I wonder how I'll admit it all when I cannot even admit it to myself.

"I don't eat much," I whisper quietly, my hands playing with his fingers in front of me. I can't look at him or it will all be more brutal to confess. "He's trying more to get me to. It's too much."

"Oh," Ashton says. He doesn't speak for a long time. "What's he trying?"

"To try new foods. Vitamins. I can't go on my runs alone 'cause he's scared I'll pass out. He wants to check my bathroom to make sure I'm not hiding anything from him. That kinda thing."

"I didn't realise... it was this serious," Ash trails off. "Have you spoken to a specialist?"

"No," I sigh. "We're going to a doctor in a few days."

Ash watches me with wide eyes.

"What?"

"I'm sorry," he apologises for no reason. "If I've ever made you uncomfortable about... eating."

"You haven't," I reassure. "Don't worry."

His eyes flicker down to my sweater. I think he realises now.

"I can't explain it to you."

"I would never expect you to," Ash wraps his arms around me and dips his face in my hair. "I understand where Julian's coming from. He's looking out for you, and he wants you to be okay."

"It's too much, Ash."

"You need to tell him."

"I have."

"I think he doesn't know what else to do. He's only twenty and doesn't have experience." He lets go of me and shuffles up. "I don't want to tell you to go home, but you need to. He's worried sick, likely."