Show Me That Which I Cannot See

Pt VI: Vessel

                                                            *My hell is your high water*

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"Welcome back everyone, this is Sleep! On this week's latest edition of  Stay Tuned we will cover the Sleep Token Band.  The once famous British band is rapidly losing their appeal and their masked persona no longer causes the same reaction among fans. Is there music skill enough to keep their fans engaged or will they fall prey to a newer and younger band? Stay tuned as we dive into the flaws and personal backstories of  this now vulnerable band." 

My grip on the remote tightens threatening to break it and my thumb hovers over the power button as I fight the urge to turn it off. Fuck, every time I see her the hurt comes flooding back. Reminding me of everything I lost and could have had if I was enough. I hate that my eye strays to her hand to see if another man's ring is there or not. And I loathe myself even more when I breathe a small sigh of relief when I see her hand is empty. Maybe one day she will think I am enough. 

"Vessel, the main lead of the band, often brings past experiences of  an unsatisfying relationship to life in his expressive lyrics. Is he really that caught up on it and built a career on bitterness? Well, let Sleep give you the inside scoop. As someone who knew one of them personally, I can say..." 

Her voice drones on  spitting poison with each sentence. Just like she always did.  My phone buzzes softly in my pocket but I stand frozen in front of the TV as I watch her shoot down my entire career out of spite. Her long white blonde hair frames an angelic face with eyes as cold and sharp as chips of ice as she talks about my "unsatisfying relationship". I would never call it that. I still don't. I was going to give her everything. From the moment she smiled at me and made me feel loved I vowed to give her the world. Every waking moment I spent to please her.

"Do this. Do that." And I did it. I worshipped her as my goddess until she asked for something I could not give. At least not at that moment. And then she left. Her innocent expression and warm praises turned into bitterness and sharp words. You're not enough. I did you a favor by loving you. I'm sick of this. Until finally, Goodbye. 

My hands unconsciously rub the ridges on my left hand. Sienna, you are still the perfect reminder of what all of these scars on my arm are for. 

Finally, I regain the sense to turn off the TV and I sit on the couch. God, I didn't realize how badly I was shaking. I bury my head in my hands and try to stop the oncoming bout of anxiety but it's too late. I can't hold myself together. With each breath my chest tightens further and I gasp for air. Squeezing my eyes closed in a pitiful attempt to control the dizziness, I let her words run through my head over and over again. 

You're not enough. I did you a favor by loving you. I'm sick of this. Goodbye. 

My fingers dig into my hair and pull tightly at the roots relishing in the pain it causes. You deserve every bad thing that happens to you. 

Finally, after what seems like hours, my breathing subsides and I finally let go of my hair and force my eyes to open. The pain and anxiety that was running through my veins is now boiling and transformed into something else. Fury. My hands still shake as I reach for my phone. I Ignore the notifications on there and open my message app. Another wave of self loathing crashes into me as I pull up her contact, Sienna *My Lady Sleep*. I wasn't strong enough to block her. Hoping that maybe one day she would want me back. 

I begin to call her and pray to the heavens that my voice is steady and my emotions won't leave me like a fool, as they always seem to do in front of her.  She picks up after four rings.

"Hello, this is Sienna. Who is calling?"

Fuck her.  She knows damn well whose calling her but she just wants me to crawl to her. "You know damn well who this is. Why Sienna? Why do you keep doing this to me. What did I do to you?"

I want to tell her more but my voice threatens to break.

"Oh it's you." She gives an airy laugh. "Sienna, I know you did that to get my attention. Stop it. You're ruining my career. "

Her voice grows angry. "Stop turning this on me. You left me Vessel, you promised to love me forever but then you left." 

I can't stop the anger any longer, "Don't call me that. You wonder why I leave but you don't want me around. Tell me what do you want from me?"

She laughs and  her response crushes any bit of hope I have left. "Vessel, I want to see your ruin. You betrayed me now it's my turn." 

"Please just stop it, I don't want my band to suffer because of me." 

"Then prove it." 

I run my hands through my hair in anger and hang up the phone, blinking back tears of frustration. Fuck, I'm a man and this woman has reduced me to a pile of emotions. For the time being, I will admit my defeat again, I will accept that I can't pretend, we will ever be together.

My eyes stray to the rest of my messages and fly straight to Elaha's. Shite. I check the time and realize I was supposed to call her hours ago. I have a missed call from her and one long message.

I stand up and pace around the room, forcing myself to focus. What I feel for Sienna is nothing but toxic want, I can't seem to get rid of her and my desire to please her but I feel something for Elaha as well. I just don't know if I can ever trust again. But, I refuse to make the same mistake twice. 

Moving to my room, I put on some casual clothes and put a cap with sunglasses on as I head out. I'll go see her. One time won't hurt. She won't even know I'm there. I just want to drink in the energy and light she brings to those around her. You just want to see if she will give you attention, you're not enough.

I grit my teeth and shake away my thoughts as I put on my riding helmet and sit on my motorcycle. I don't care if I'm giving into my obsessive tendencies by going out to find her. I don't care if they all think I fall for the first person who shows me kindness. It's not true.

And I know my little angel thinks the same.