Show Me That Which I Cannot See

Pt IV: Vessel

You've got me hypnotized and I'm losing my direction

Her arms tighten around me in a vise like grip as we head for lunch, as if she's holding on for dear life. Shit. Maybe we should have used II's car instead of scaring her with the motorcycles. I pick up the speed to catch up with the rest of them, hoping to end her discomfort faster. The wind tugs on my hood, threatening to fall back and expose my face, gritting my teeth I attempt to lift one hand off the bike to keep the hood up but I feel a soft hand tug my hood back up and hold it there, to prevent it from falling. Her simple gesture of respecting my boundaries is messing with my emotions. "I got you" she whispers quietly by my ear and I grip the handlebars tighter.

I've seen the pain she hides behind her smiles and how she tries to put everyone's comfort before her own. I want to pry her open, unravel the puzzle behind her actions, but I fear I'll scare her and lose the fragile friendship we have.

***

I may have lied to her. There is no way we would go to a regular restaurant with my paint and their face masks it would draw too much attention to us. I don't want that attention on her or there to be any speculation on who I am.

Her eyes widen in question as we pull to a stop at a secluded private location that the team has rented for the time of our stay in California, until we move to another state or go back home to the UK. II and III head inside without waiting. Bastards. IV walks toward Elaha with a shite eating grin, "did you enjoy the ride, or does Vessels suck ass at driving." He jokes. She shakily stands from the seat and her hand drops from where she was holding my hood. Suddenly, I hate that IV has her attention. Fuck man, get a grip.

I park the bike and head towards the building watching her occasionally lean on IV's shoulder when she slightly loses balance. He says something to her as he holds her waist for support and I hear her warm bubble of laughter. They can make her laugh and feel more comfortable than I can and then people wonder why I wear a mask. My hands fist at my side, it's difficult to believe in myself when all I see in the mirror is a ghost of myself, taunting me. You'll never be enough. They will never accept you as you are.

II pokes his head outside from the window, "you coming mate? The food arrived." I need a few moments alone. There's a constant pounding in my head that refuses to leave. I breathe the cool fall air, and respond "give me five minutes. " The pounding has traveled throughout my veins and feels like fire, burning me up. I close my eyes and channel the swirl of emotions into words. My hands fumble for a pen and I write it on the first thing I see, which happens to be my arms.

Just run it back, give me five whole minutes
I am thick tar on the inside burning
I've got a ghost in the hallway grinning
And a heavy head that won't stop turning
If my fate is a bad collision
And if my mind is an open highway

I stare at my arms satisfied and head inside where the smell of warm food floated in the air.

***

Throughout lunch, I sit and carefully watch Elaha's interactions with my band. She seems to fit seamlessly with them but I know she's hiding something. Every once in a while she checks the watch on her wrist her brows furrowing in concentration as she rapidly types something on it. When one of us catches her eye she immediately smiles but the tightness in her shoulders remains.

"Sorry you had to eat pasta, while the rest of us ate steak." III says not the least bit ashamed. II shakes his head and scrapes his plate clean.

"I'll eat salad next time if it makes you feel better friend." IV tells her and she smiles at her food. Suddenly something crosses her face and I watch her eyes light up.