Possibilities then?

Dhanashree

Trigger Warning: This chapter contains trauma and might be harmful as it also contains some heavy content.

"When not fed love with silver spoons, you learn to lick it off the knives." Someone said that, and I completely believe it because it has been happening to me for some time now and has been persistent. Why? Because after mom I have never felt the warmth and comfort or love. My father was never the one who was gentle or understanding. My sister had to grow up early. She was there but it is said that elder siblings are the ones who teach and give you life lessons, I agree, they do but they also provide you with a tsunami of trauma. And trust me, It is true. Don't get me wrong, she did a lot for me. She always has. She missed an opportunity in Banglore because of me but in return, she gifted me with a customized set of trauma, fighting, and fucked up relationships.

I haven't yet bonded or talked to properly with my sister's current boyfriend. Why? Well... because of my attachment issues with her past boyfriends. I was the one who was always left alone no matter what. I don't think she understands that even I have my problems and issues to deal with. She acknowledges them but at the same time discards them or treats me as a client to a therapist.

Don't get me wrong, I love her the most in my entire world and she is the reason what I am today and why I am alive but na yarr... nahi ho paa raha hai. She says she knows the shit I go through, but in reality she doesn't. She doesn't have to deal with Kanika Aunty's relatives, Dadi's relatives papa's tantrums, or his maniac episodes where he just lashes out at me for no freaking reason. I put up with all of this without any complaints but aaj kal nahi ho paa raha hai because Papa's maniac episodes have been increasing day by day. I am at my saturation. 

"Hey!" I look up and realize it's Saksham. Hein? Why? What is he doing here? Then I realized that the short break was going on and I had been absent-minded for a significant period of time. "Dude, you good? Are you crying? Are you okay?" 

"Yeah yeah, I am okay." I say quickly to avoid any type of conversation because I realized that tears were dripping off my cheeks and being a fucking dub fuck, I didn't realize it. Great, just great! "Uhmmmm... I don't think so... You are crying." Shit. "Na na, something went into my eye. I am sorry. You were saying something?" I quickly changed the topic while wiping my tears. 

"Oh...okay, are you sure though? Also, why are you sorry? It ain't your fault re. You don't need to be sorry." He says. Why the fuck my changing the topic technique doesn't work on him? He says it's not my fault but isn't it? Nevermind. "You need something?" I say as I try to maintain my composure. "Yeah, I need your English assignment." He says and looks at me with confusion. "Oh...yeah! Basically, mine is a disaster and Kalpana ma'am said to get yours for a reference." He says and I try to understand and process it as I am still not back into reality, not completely at least. 

He is standing there for 2 whole minutes without saying a word as I try to process the action of taking out my assignment. I take it out and give it to him. "Yeh raha and copy karlena because it ain't like she's going to check but do change some wordings, just in case." I say and he nods. "Dude, are you okay? Like seriously." He says and tries to be unbothered because I don't want to make a scene out of it. "Yeah yeah, all good. Just absent-minded, I am sorry. Please ignore, I am like this once in a blue moon." I say and he looks at me with concerned eyes and I am pushed aback. Why? It's been quite a while since looked at me like that. It feels weird now. 

"Okay...but I am not blind, you know? You can tell me if you feel like it. I am here as I said the last time." Okay, this is weird and he needs to go! I cannot digest this. "Yes baba, I know. Don't worry re...I am all good." I say and send him off. More like forcing him out of the class. I am sure he is still suspicious though.