I Will Follow You Into The Dark || Jegulus

26. Careless Whisper

Sirius had barely talked to Remus since the apology. He felt too awkward, not because Remus said he liked him, but Sirius wasn't sure what was making him so indifferent.

"I think you need to start therapy." Lily suggested.

Sirius nodded, "James is going to therapy, but I'm not sure if he makes anything better. Last time he went, he came home more upset than when he left." Sirius frowned. He didn't know why James went to therapy, but he just always has. For the longest time, James has just randomly isolates himself, stormed off, then came back fine, refusing to talk about it. It became normal to Sirius, and even Monty and Effie never said anything, at least not to Sirius.

"I've never been the closest with James until now. I wish I knew what he was going through. I just want to see him happy." Lily said.

"Don't we all? He's like the sun. That's how I like to think about it, but recently he hasn't risen above the horizon, leaving us in the darkness. And of course there's the moon. That's Remus of course, but you can't have one without the other." Sirius said, then realized what he said.

Can't have one without the other, and he barely has either.

"That's a beautiful way to put it." She smiled, "Are you doing alright Sirius?"

He shook his head. "I - I've barely spoken to Remus since before Christmas. How long has it even been?" He frowned, "I don't know what to do. He - he said he loved me and then we had a fight; I apologized, but now it's like we're both just. I don't know." Sirius shook his head.

Lily nodded, "Well, how do you feel about him?" She asked.

"I'm not... I'm not gay." Sirius said, "I like girls, I always have, I don't see how that could just change" Sirius mumbled. Even if he wanted to, he couldn't reciprocate Remus's feelings, and it felt terrible. Remus deserved love, he deserved a boy to cuddle with, to help him when he was down. To remind him that he's not a monster, and that he was beautiful even with all his scars, (the scars made him more beautiful) but Sirius couldn't bare someone else taking up Remus's time. Sirius needed Remus.

"You do understand that you could like both." Lily suggested.

"I've never liked a boy..." Sirius mumbled.

She sighed and dragged Sirius out or his seat, "Come walk with me." She said. They went outside and walked around the grounds. "Have you ever tried to like a boy? Or even thought about it?" She asked

"No, my whole life it's always just been girls. I wasn't allowed to think anything different until I moved in with James." He said.

"I think you need to think about it, and of course if you don't, then you don't. But you need to talk to Remus, and be honest with him. You can't ignore him, and don't let him ignore you. You need each other." She said.

"Thanks lils." He hugged her.

"No problem."

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James couldn't sleep the night before. Maybe it was the anticipation of going out with Lily again, or the anxiety of what happened last night. He wanted Barty to be alright. He wanted Regulus to be alright.

He got ready for his date 2 hours early on accident and decided to spend his free time pacing back and forth in his dorm. He contemplated going to see Barty, but figured he could go see him after, better to let him get some rest. 

"James. Stop." Remus said. He was standing at the door. James paused then practically tackled Remus.

"I'm so sorry Remus. I didn't mean to snap at you." James tightened his grip until Remus had to push him away. "Sorry." He mumbled.

"It's okay James. It's okay to get overwhelmed, but you can't just snap at your friends."

James nodded, "I'm not overwhelmed. Well I am, but that's unrelated. I wish I could control it, and it scares me so much because what if one day I do something worse and lose you guys forever. Or Lily, or anyone."

Remus's eyes widened, "is something going on?" He asked

"You can't tell anyone. Not even Sirius or peter." He grabbed Remus's shoulders. Remus nodded. "I... fuck I've never actually said it out loud. I mean of course my parents and therapist know, but I've never - admitted it." He frowned.

"James, it's okay to not be okay." Remus said.

"I know. I have bipolar personality disorder, and sometimes I have these episodes. Usually I just isolate myself, I don't want to hurt anyone, but it's hard to predict when I get angry, and sometimes I just get unexplainably sad or happy, or anything, and it's just a lot to deal with. And I'm just constantly afraid I'm going to say something and hurt someone I love." He sighed.

Remus pulled James back in for a hug. "Thank you for telling me. I'm here if you ever need me, but I think you have a date to get to." Remus smiled

"Thanks Remus." James smiled. "Tell Sirius I love him, no matter what. Oh and don't pretend like we don't all notice you two avoiding each other. Please just talk about it." James pleaded, then once he got a nod from Remus, he left his dorm to find his date.

He walked out to the grounds, not seeing Lily anywhere, then out of nowhere he felt arms around his shoulders. He spun around to be face to face with the love of his life. The woman he knew he needed in his life the moment he saw her.

"Hello love" He kissed her with a smile on his face. "Want to go to the three broomsticks?" He asked.

Lily shook her head and took James's hand, "Let's go somewhere we can be alone for a bit." They walked to Hogsmeade together, and James ended up leading her to an area outside the shrieking shack. They sat down together and James leaned his head on Lily's shoulder, hands playing with the fingers of one of her hands.

"James... Sirius has been worried about you recently. Well I have been too, but I promised Sirius I would talk to you." She said, looking out at the village, looking at all the people laughing on dates, hanging out with friends.

"Why? I'm fine" He replied.

"Are you sure? Sirius has noticed you're isolating yourself more than usual, then there was what happened last night. I just want to make sure you're actually okay. You can tell me anything." She placed a hand on his jaw, forcing him to look at her.

"I-" James voice cracked. "I didn't want anyone finding out. I thought I could manage it. I told Remus, he's the only one I've told. I've never admitted it out loud before that. And I'm not sure if I'm ready for you or Sirius to find out, but I'm okay, things in my head are just constantly working against me. Just know I would never hurt you, and I'm sorry if I say things I don't mean."

Lily nodded, "take your time. Don't stress over telling anyone, you don't have to." She leaned onto him.

"Thank you lily. You're so amazing." He wrapped his arms around her.

The rest of their date was amazing, running around in the post-winter cold. They went to the three broomsticks to warm up and get some Butterbeers, then they headed back to the castle. As they walked in, James caught sight of Regulus walking by and waved, getting an odd look from Lily.

"Why did you wave at him?" She whispered

"Well, he's teaching me potions. Y'know he's actually brilliant. I dunno why him and Sirius won't work things out between them." James smiled

"James..." Lily muttered. James looked at her confused by her tone. "James he's a death eater."

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Damn well ig i'm leaving you guys with this 

Uh, that one line will cause so many problems in future chapters, at least 11 chapters later its still being brought up, so gl guys