Obey Me

A Stupid Demon Is A Useful Thing To Have

Y/n: Awww. I still can't sleep.

Y/n heads out towards the staircase.

~At Staircase~

Lucifer: "What's going on, Y/n? Out for a stroll? I keep running into you here, don't I? It seems you are really curious about what's at the top of this staircase. Unless I'm mistaken, I believe I told you that it's not a place humans have any business going. If you can't sleep, perhaps I should make you some tea? Something that will help you have a good night's sleep. You should probably know that it's a bit too effective on humans, to the point you may find that you never wake up again. You get what I'm saying here, right? Go back to your room. Goodnight, Y/n."

Y/n: "I want cuddles!"

Lucifer: "You what?"

Y/n: "Cuddles. I had a nightmare and I want comfort."

Lucifer: "Fine."

Y/n: It seems that I won't be able to reach the top of that staircase unless something is done about Lucifer.

Lucifer: "Do you want-"

Y/n: "No. Too painful."

Lucifer: "It wasn't a nightmare was it?"

Y/n: "No...a bad memory."

Lucifer: "Hmm? Is it the reason why you know so many insults in Latin?"

Y/n: "My *Venomously* father *normal* wanted me to know what he was saying when he would *Using air quotes* 'punish me' for normal toddler/young child things."

Lucifer: "Poor child."

~Next Morning~

Mammon sighs as Y/n yawns.

Mammon: "Why do I gotta be stuck here with you first thing in the morning having to look at your face while I'm tryin' to eat my breakfast. To us, demons, eating a human, like you is a special sorta treat, understand? Yet I'm not allowed to do that. I've gotta sit here and eat my breakfast instead. I mean, it's like havin' a premium-grade roast Iriomotr musk hog right here in front of me. Medium rare, cooked to perfection. But I can't have it. Instead, I'm sitting here eatin' dried blackbelly newt legs. I mean, I'm not sayin' blackbelly newt legs are bad. I actually like 'em, but still. And what's even worse is that thick, juicy hunk o meat has started giving me orders now, like it's the boss of me or somethin'. It's really not fun. I mean, what kind of sick torture is this, anyway?!"

Y/n: "Where's Beel?"

Mammon: "Speakin' of Beel, that reminds me. He went and ate the custard I left in the refrigerator-the one I was saving for later! I told him not to eat anything that had my name on it! Ugh, I'm gonna kill him! Hey, pay attention when I'm talking to you, dunce! Or do those ears of yours not work?! Anyway, I'm sure the others have already scurried off to class and left me to look after ya on my own, the punks. Dammit. They're all rotten, every last one of 'em. This all comes back to Lucifer! Getting stuck having to look after a human, ending up in a pact, everything bad is his fault!"

Y/n: "Mmmhm."

Mammon: "The way Levi's haircut is so lame..."

Y/n gets distracted by something and ignores Mammon's rant about his brothers.

Y/n: "..."

Mammon: "..."

Y/n: "What's at the top of the stairs?"

Mammon: "Hey, I told you to listen to me when I'm talkin' to you! I was trying to tell you about Lucifer's fe-Wait, what stairs? Are you talkin' about the stairs that lead up into the attic? Oh man, there you go again, stickin' your nose where it doesn't belong. Now listen, do you know the secret to getting people to tell you stuff? Go ahead, tell me."

Y/n: "Money."

Mammon: "Exactly! Now that's what I'm talkin' about! I guess you do get it! If ya wanna pry valuable information outta someone, you've got to offer 'em proper compensation! Wait a second... Uh-oh, I know what this is about! You tried to climb those stairs, but Lucifer stopped you, right? That's totally it, isn't it? Well, then there's something you really need to get straight now. If you think you can just offer Mammon here a little bit of money and he'll spill the beans, you're dead wrong. I mean, pretend I told you somethin' I shouldn't. Lucifer would beat me half to death. Actually, I's be lucky if that's all he did. If I weren't lucky, he'd have me eliminated. It'll take a good 200 hundred million years to recover from that. Still, if you're bound and determined to buy this information off of me... Then you'll have to offer me, let's see... How about the monetary equivalent of the world's total oil production? Two hundred million years' worth. That might do it."

Y/n: "You want $2.1 trillion for two hundred million years."

Mammon: "In other words, I ain't gonna tell ya. Is that clear enough for ya, blockhead?"

Y/n: "Huh. Are you afraid of Lulu?"

Mammon: "What! Whoa, what'd you just say? You think I'M actually afraid of Lucifer?! Me, the Avatar of Greed? You've gotta be kidding! I'm not the least bit afraid of him, got it? Not even a little!"

Y/n: "You're lying~"

Mammon: "I told you, I'm not! I mean, that's crazy! Listen now, most of the time, I don't let people see the full extent of my power! What I'm sayin' is that even if I did face off against someone like Lucifer, I wouldn't even have to use all my strength to win! Understand?!"

Y/n: "Then tell me!"

Mammon: "Okay so you can't go upstairs because Lucifer is blocking the way, right?! You need to do somethin' to get rid of him, right?! Well, guess what? Distracting Lucifer is easy as pie! Listen up, 'cause I'm only gonna say this once, so clean the wax outta your ears for a change and pay attention! You know that series Levi likes? What was it called...um, The Tale of the Seven...Seven...Seven Ways to Get Rich Quick...wait, no. That's the book I was readin' the other day."

Y/n: "One, start an MLM, two it's called the Tales of the Seven Lords, I have notes about it if you want them."

Mammon: "Right, yeah. That's the one. Anyway, you need to get your hands on a vinyl edition copy of the soundtrack of that Tale of the seven Whatsawhosit. If you have that, you can use it to distract Lucifer, no problem! Don't ask why, 'cause I've got no idea why Lucifer's interested in somethin' like that either. But if you want to climb those stairs, you're gonna have to start by getting you hands-on that soundtrack."

Y/n: "Help me."

Mammon: "Wha? I don't understand. Why should I help you? If you want that soundtrack, then find Levi and work it out with him yourself, dummy. Welp, time for me to go. As much as I hate going to class, I don't have much of a-"

Y/n: "Mammon, come!"

Mammon: "Hey! Wh-What's going on?! Dammit, my body...it's movin' on its own! Grrr...! Fine, all right! I'll go with you, okay?! It feels like you've got some invisible cord tied around my neck...Aaah, stop pullin' on it!...I said stooooooop!"