SECRETS WE TELL THE STARS

xix

"This was once!"

"And how am I meant to know that?"

"We trust each other," I gasp. "I cannot believe you, Julian. I can't believe you're doubting me. You are!"

"Look at it from my perspective: you haven't eaten in so long. Then Ryan sees you kneeling in front of the toilet. You didn't call for me or describe this nausea beforehand. You can't expect me to know what's going on when you don't speak with me."

"There's nothing to speak about."

Julian shakes his head. He smiles softly. "We know there is. You're not okay, May. We know this."

My words are caught in my throat.

"And that is completely fine. I don't expect you to be fine after all you've been through... we will figure this out. We'll work something out–I'll try to research into it. I'll make sure you're okay. I won't be the best at this because I have no fucking idea how to help you. I just need you to talk to me."

"Julian," I plead. "I promise you; I am okay. I was feeling–"

"No," Julian denies. "I need you to tell me the truth, Maya. Look me in the eye and tell me the truth."

Julian does not listen to me. He thinks I am lying.

Julian thinks I am trying to make myself throw up. I don't. At least not anymore. I haven't been as low as I was a few years ago. I know the process, the gruelling process of hunger and sore knuckles and dry throats. I know and remember the pain. It was not a good feeling to throw up all the time. I stopped. I restricted. I don't do it anymore.

So, with utmost certainty, I stare Julian dead in the eye when I tell him, "I promise."

Julian searches my eyes. His eyes flicker left and right. Eventually, he nods his head and stands. "Okay. Okay, I believe you." His words are still hesitant and unsure. I don't know how he's feeling even though I usually do. "Did you used to?"

"Why are we talking about this? Why does this even matter?"

"It matters to me because I need to make sure you're okay," Julian exhales. "If this has been going on, without me knowing, then I need to know, May. I just... you know that I need to make sure you're okay."

"I don't anymore."

"Did you used to?" Julian repeats.

I swallow. "Yeah."

"When? For how long?"

I look away. "In the city. I stopped, though. I couldn't."

"Okay," Julian replies. Quietly.

He stands. He tells me not to go anywhere, to stay put. I shrug my shoulders and watch his figure walk outside. The door closes behind him and I pretend that I do not hear him hold back a choked sob.

I lay back down on the couch. I am so tired and fall asleep again.

When I wake up again, for the third time, I am greeted with hushed whispers from the kitchen. Ryan is back. Julian is here. They speak with each other. Well, they whisper, but considering the rooms are small and so close together, I can hear them quite well. I push my head into my pillow, in an attempt to block them out. When I find it impossible to drown them out, I grab my cushion and stand to head to my room.

Julian stops me. "Where are you doing?" he asks me.

I blink twice. "My room...?"

Julian frowns. "Sit back down, Maya."

"Why?" I narrow my eyes. "I want to sleep."

"You can sleep in here."

I scoff. "No way. You guys are being too loud."