SECRETS WE TELL THE STARS

xvii

That's right. I haven't forgotten. Julian will not overstep but I'll listen to him. I'll accept what he has to say. We'll understand each other.

Julian turns to Ryan then. "I got this, Ryan. You don't need to parent her."

Ryan glares back at him. "I do if you won't do your job properly."

"I don't think you can be the spokesperson of this."

"I should then remind you that I'm her sister, Julian."

I walk out of the living room. I cannot put up with their arguments and meaningless words because though they are deeply rooted, there is never a conclusion. They never resolve their issues because they will never agree with one another. They are too incompatible. Ryan is furious and angry. Julian is calm and passionate. Ryan takes the anger out of Julian, and my cousin battles my brother in a way that is hard for Ryan to defend himself.

Our bubble will burst. There is no saving it.

Before I can leave the room though, Julian calls after me, "Have you eaten?"

I have in fact, not eaten. Ashton and I had a few snacks and soft drinks. No actual food.

"No." But I'm too tired to eat. "I'll have an extra big breakfast," I say, knowing that I won't live up to my promise.

"May," Julian condemns.

"It's too late," I complain. "I also can't stand you two fighting again."

At my words, Ryan closes his mouth. I assume he is ready to shout at Julian again but now he doesn't look like he will. I guess my words work, as they both are stunned and unable to react to my words quickly enough. I am gone before they can call my name – 'May' my cousin would call, and 'Maya' my brother would say.

In the morning, I confess to Julian when we are on the porch, basking in the heat of the morning sun as our hot tea warms our fingertips. I tell him, "Ashton's my boyfriend now."

I break the silence that engulfs us. Julian snaps his head to me, and his jaw has dropped.

"I thought you were just friends?" he stammers.

"Well, not anymore."

Julian nods. He still appears unsure. "Are you sure you want to? With the long distance when he moves back for college."

I shrug. "He doesn't seem to mind. And maybe I'll move away too. I don't know if I want to continue studying online. I hate it."

"That's why you refuse to watch your lectures." Then Julian asks, "You want to move out?"

"I don't want to, but I can't exactly go to a community college when the closest is hours away."

Julian does not like the thought of me leaving. I don't either. It scares me. It scares him more.

"We'll talk about it later," Julian promises. "Sound good?"

"Fine."

My cousin takes a long sip of his tea. Then he announces, "I don't want you sleeping over at his anymore."

"What?" 

Julian huffs. "You're seventeen. I'll grow grey hairs with how much it's stressing me out that you're at his house so late. He can come over to ours."

"You are joking," I deadpan.

"I think I'm being considerate. I don't want to control you, May, but he's nineteen."

"You're acting like it's a huge age difference. It isn't. He only just turned nineteen as well."

"That's not the point. You don't know... I just want to make sure you're okay. We haven't exactly talked about this, you know."