nineteen

32

Blue's POV

I enter this trap house, following closely behind Travis and he scans the room for Tracy. He spots him, sitting on the kitchen bench in the corner, smoking a blunt with one hand and texting with the other.

Travis approaches him, I feel sick with nerves. I'm not nervous to see Tracy at all. In fact, I missed him a lot. It was just the idea that everyone will be asking questions I don't know if I can answer.

Tracy won't though. He's chill. And he knows everything that went down anyway...

Tracy looks up when he hears Travis's voice. "My dawg!" He exclaims happily, extending his hand out to slap shake Travis's.

Then he notices me. He smiles almost awkwardly, then reached out his arms for a hug.

I lean into his hug, and we stayed there for a little while. I felt like crying the second he pulled me in. It felt genuine. It felt like...he knew exactly how I was feeling.

To be fair, Tracy got me through a lot on tour. He helped me navigate so many situations with Gus where I felt powerless. I guess he knows how it feels to be so close to him yet worlds away at times too. The feeling of caring so much but also feeling helpless.

I respect the level of respect and sympathy Tracy has always given me.

The hug breaks after a moment. "Shit y'all tryna turn up or what??" he says smiling, breaking the tension instantly. "You know it" Trav responds through a smile.

I've relaxed slightly, but still feeling incredibly uneasy. I need a fucking drink...

Tracy leads us outside to smoke for a bit then back inside to pour us a drink. I'm trying my best to relax but can't help feeling like i'm about to throw up at any second.

"I'm gonna go to the bathroom i'll meet you guys back here okay??" I say, needing a minute to myself to try and straighten up. Trav nods.

I make my way through the sea of people towards the bathroom. People are bumping into me from every direction, stressing me out even more.

I stare down at my glass, trying to focus on not spilling my drink all over myself.

When I look up, I feel like my heart has been stabbed with a knife made of cold glass. I felt winded, as if someone had kicked the shit out of my stomach and left me with no air.

There he is. Standing against the wall, smoking.

He hasn't seen me. I don't want him to. I cant do this right now. I'm going to throw up...

I bolted to the bathroom and locked the door behind me just in time, before I threw up. My eyes watered, not just from vomiting but out of pure heartache.

I sat there, alone on the bathroom floor for a few minutes, gathering myself. Fuck this.

I text Travis.

Blue💙: he's here

Trav💖: deadass???

Blue💙: why would i cap rn

Trav💖: u wanna leave? we can go if u wanna

Blue💙: yea just gimme a sec

I take a few deep breaths in and out as my heart beats rapidly. I chug the rest of my drink in some twisted effort to kill my nerves.

I rummage through my bag and find my flask, drinking as much straight vodka as I can without throwing up again. Then I pop another valium.

One more deep breath. I stare at myself in the mirror, feeling so disconnected from my own reflection.

Okay. I need to leave. I need to find Travis.

I grab my bag and leave the bathroom, hoping to make a swift exit.

The second I emerge from the doorway I can see him again. He's sitting on the couch now, he looks mad...and high... but so beautiful...

There's people sitting next to him but it seems like he's in his own world, zoned out from all of the chaos going on around him.

I realise i've stopped in my tracks. I freeze up when I realise he's noticed me.

His head is tilted slightly downward but his eyes are locked on me staring up through his furrowed brow and strands of blonde hair.

He's slumped down into this couch, legs apart. I'm still frozen, unsure of whether to simply walk away or approach him and say something. This feels so weird.

He takes a deep drag of a cigarette and exhales, still not taking his eyes off me for a second.

Something makes me walk over to him. I don't have it in me to see his face and walk away from it.

I stand directly in front of him.

"Peep" I say. He's still staring up at me with this expressionless look on his face.

"I didn't know you'd be here" I tell him, trying to break his silence.

He says nothing. He's unresponsive to me the way he was to about ten other people I watched try and speak to him in the time I stood there frozen just a minute ago.

"Peep talk to me, please" I say. He continues to stare at me. I sit down next to him after the random people sitting next to him finally get up and leave.

He remains silent but places a tattooed hand on my thigh. He's looking directly ahead, not even at me anymore.

Suddenly, after sitting in silence for about 5 minutes, he grabs my arm, pulling me up with him and almost aggressively leading me through this house. I say nothing, I just follow his lead.