nineteen

30

Peep's POV

I've been staying at my mamas place for a couple weeks because all my friends were worried bout me since Blue and I broke up.

I don't blame them. I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for mama. I haven't been eating, talking, moving. I just sleep all fucking day every fucking day. I don't think i've ever been so low before.

Every time I wake up i'm filled with disappointment and regret. I routinely pop 4 xans and force myself back into this comatose state. It's the only way I can stop the pain.

Usually i'd make music if I felt anxious or sad. This is a whole different type of feeling where I just want to be numb. If i'm not asleep, i'm thinking bout her. I have to be asleep.

Bless my mama. I know she's worried. I hate that I cause everyone in my life so much stress and pain. It makes me feel like a fuck up, like a burden. I know she's been checking on me multiple times a day because she tries to force me to eat whenever I wake up.

I roll over and for the first time in days I look at my phone. Hundreds of missed calls from people I don't wanna fuck with right now. There's only one person in the world I wanna talk to.

Peep🐥💖: i miss u b. i hate life without u. u deserve the world n i wish i coulda given it to u.

I know I shouldn't be texting her but I can't help it. I notice a text from Travis.

Trav‼️: hey man. hope ur doing ok.

I decide to hit him back.

Peep: is blue ok????? plz jus tell her i love her with all my fking heart 💔

Trav‼️: she's hurting man i'm not going to lie to you. but it's okay i'm doing my best to look after her.

Reading that shit made my heart sink into the bottom of my fucking stomach. I hate that I hurt her so bad and I can't even be the one to take care of her. All I do is hurt her. Why did I ruin the only good fucking thing in my life?

My mind can't stop replaying random memories. Old shit. Better times. Her.

That time she told me that no one cares about her and I told her i'd prove her wrong. It's like a knife in my gut thinking she probably thinks I don't give a fuck about her when the truth is opposite. I love her so much I can't fucking breathe.

When she'd get all anxious and I was the only person that could calm her down. I was the person that made her feel safe, secure, happy.

I was supposed to be. And I let her down.

I cant take these thoughts anymore or i'll jump out this fucking window. I pop more xans and try to knock myself the fuck out so I don't have to feel anything anymore.

Sorry mama.