SECRETS WE TELL THE STARS

vi

"Fine," I admit. "I did see him."

"You can't lie to me," Julian smirks, pinching my cheek. I slap his hand away. "Well, how did it go?"

"It was okay. We didn't do much."

"He seemed interested when we went to the diner."

"Nothing can happen," I snap. "I live here. It won't work because long-distance never works."

Julian swallows thickly. "You guys are friends then?"

"Who said that?"

"Long distance relationships don't work, but friendships can."

"You don't have any friends," I grumble.

"For your information, I do, thanks."

I drop the razor and wash my legs. I dry them with a towel after. "Name one."

"Tony."

I burst out laughing, really loud. Julian smiles. I think it pains him to make jokes about it because of the weird situation of his friend having been secretly seeing me. But it was years ago, and I think he's wrapped his head around it and hopefully, he doesn't care that much. He doesn't appear angry.

I jump out of the bathtub and roll down my pant legs. I pass Julian back his spare razor and he thanks me, pulling them away. We then brush out teeth and I mention that I'll need a haircut soon. Julian promises to help redye my roots but I can't trust him because makes a mess with the dye. I remind myself to buy supplies when I head to town.

I stare at myself in the reflection as I brush my teeth. I tilt my head to the side and notice how my face looks different, perhaps skinnier. I slyly turn to the side. I feel the elastics of my pants between my fingers and pull them up my stomach. I reckon I've lost my weight. I don't fit the pants as well as I used to. They used to fit well and now they're slightly baggy. They're a good pair I bought before we left. They're grey and slightly wet from the bathtub.

Julian notices my movements. He always does.

"You've lost more weight," he vocalises my initial thoughts.

For some reason, my response comes out relieved. Happy. Glad. "Really?" I ask because I assume I've put on so much weight since we arrived. Ever since my meals are tracked when I used to be able to skip a few unnoticed because no one ever used to notice.

"May," Julian says slowly, deeply, and his voice doesn't sound happy with me. I hate when he sounds like that.

I spit out my toothpaste and remain in control. I cover up my joy with confusion. "What?"

He doesn't say anything. He just stares at me through the mirror of the bathroom with uneasy eyes that signal the conversation will become something I don't want it to be if I don't flee.

I quickly spit out my toothpaste and wash my mouth with water.

"May," Julian repeats but I'm leaving the bathroom before he can get a better response out of me.

I meet Ryan in the living room. I don't want to talk to him. I really don't. But I know Julian's ready to approach me and I need to avoid him.

So, I ask Ryan, not because I want to ask him but rather to save myself from a situation with Julian, "You said you had pictures of your travels. Can you show me?"

When Julian appears Ryan already has his phone out and is describing each photo in immense detail. He stops in the hallway he narrows his eyebrows at me. I shrug my shoulders at him and turn back to the photos. He won't be happy with me. But he won't approach me while I'm talking to Ryan. I realise when Julian leaves that this is the first time I'm actually putting in an effort to talk to my brother.