SECRETS WE TELL THE STARS

v

"Don't kick him out," I say. "I guess he can leave in the morning."

Julian ruffles my hair and I slap his hand away.

"Should I ask how your day was?"

"It was good, it was good."

Julian turns to the car. "Glad it's in one piece."

"There's a dent in the back."

Julian stands quickly and I burst out laughing. "I'm joking."

My cousin watches me oddly. I sober up and stand next to him. "I had a good time," I confirm. "I'm going to use your car again in a few days because of the stunt you pulled today."

"Fair enough." Julian shrugs. "Or maybe I'll buy you a car." He walks inside before I can respond.

I try, rushing back into the house before slamming the door behind me. Julian pretends to not have heard me and that he didn't just offer to buy me an expensive vehicle. Instead, he asks what I had for dinner.

I don't lie because I can't lie to him and say I had a few chips and an iced tea. Julian has made a rule that dinner must be sufficient and if I haven't eaten properly all day, then I need to expect a bigger portion. However, once he sees my expression, he settles for hot chocolate and marshmallows for dinner. I guess he lays off because of Ryan. Julian isn't usually this loose about meals.

At night, I dream about the city again. I don't dream as often as I used to, due to the medicine I started taking to help me sleep. But today is an outlier because I do dream and I wake up in a nervous sweat, sick and stressed.

It's all because I shouldn't have seen Ryan last night. I shouldn't have viewed him as a stranger, like someone I've never known. He should have been a normal figure and face, not one that I feared looking at.

I hope first thing in the morning that Ryan's gone, but then I hear voices and know he's not. I can't sleep in because Julian knocks on the door and forces me out of my bed.

"I'm sorry," he apologises. "Ryan won't leave until he sees you. I know you want him to leave."

I groan and complain to him to get out of my room. I change out my pyjamas and take deep breaths with a pit settled within my stomach. I feel sick. Never a good feeling in the morning. I am out of balance as our routine is broken. We do not have our morning-breath conversation on the porch steps. Instead, I am confronted by my biggest problem in the dining room.

Ryan watches me as if he hasn't seen me before. I've changed. I guess I should have expected it. My hair is no longer its nice, light shade of brown as I dyed it at sixteen charcoal black. I'm skinnier, taller, and I've replaced my glasses with contacts.

Ryan has changed too. I can't explain how.

"Maya," he murmurs, in disbelief. I wonder at first how he is so surprised when he had seen me the day prior. However, maybe it had been because Julian stood between us like a wall. They were three years apart, Julian younger, yet they stood the same. My brother was taller, though. I could see his old tattoos and he was a lot skinnier.

"Ryan," I respond curtly.

"I'm sorry," he says, and I don't expect it.

"What for?"

Ryan closes his mouth. He doesn't say anything.

"Ryan," Julian announces. "Was this the meeting you were hoping for? You better be on your way if you want to avoid traffic." Julian lies because there isn't traffic for miles.

"I'll stay for breakfast. Is it a crime for wanting to catch up with my sister, Julian?"

It is, I think. "I guess not," Julian says. But he seems apprehensive about letting Ryan stay for a meal. I won't eat with anyone else watching, Julian being an exception. I cannot handle it.