"I'm going shopping!"
"Can I come?"
"I'm going with Rachel, sorry".
Rúben pouts, making me laugh.
"Are you buying clothes for our holidays?"
"Of course, everything I have looks terrible all of a sudden so I need to fix that".
"Buy something sexy", he winks and I shake my head.
Something sexy...sure, one actually has to feel sexy in order to look sexy. And I can't say that's the case for me right now. But I try to forget all that when I meet Rachel to go on our shopping trip.
"Hear me out. I know we're not going to travel together but how cute would it be if we both had this matching set? We could be twins on different sides of the world".
I laugh and pick up the clothes she's showing me. Rachel and I have similar taste, so it's not surprising to me I actually really like this set. What we don't have in common is our body shape.
"I don't know, Rach. This top would look great on you but what do I do wearing this?"
"You look hot. That's what you do", she shrugs.
"How?", I say, pointing to my chest.
"What are you even talking about? You wear tops like this all the time even if you don't have much to show. At least you don't have to deal with all I have to show", she says, pointing at her own chest.
"But people like what you have to show. They look at me and wonder if I went through puberty yet".
I leave the top back where it was and move to see other clothes. Of course, Rachel follows me, frowning.
"Has Rúben made a comment about it?"
"About what?"
"About your boobs being small".
"No", I sigh. He's never made me feel like my body isn't good enough or pointed out any flaws. I'm good at doing that myself. I don't need his help.
"Then where is this coming from?"
"I don't know. Of course I've been insecure about being so flat-chested in the past. But I thought I had made my peace with it. And now all of a sudden it's back. I see all these women with their tiny tops looking so good. Or all the bikini photos on Instagram and...well, then look at myself and it's pretty underwhelming".
"Don't compare yourself to others, please. You're perfect the way you are. And just so you know, it's very uncomfortable sometimes to have bigger boobs like mine. I so wish I had yours many times".
"You don't have to say that to make me feel better but I appreciate it".
"I mean it", and I've known her long enough to know she's saying the truth.
But still, whenever I pick another top or bikini, Rúben's words come back to my mind. "Buy something sexy". Because surely he wants me to be sexy. For him. And yet this is what he gets.
**
For our holidays, we go to a small Greek island. Tourism here isn't as bad and so we can relax better.
"Take that off", I hear Rúben say and open my eyes to look at him.
"Take what off?"
"The shirt", he says and I can see he's got a bottle of sunscreen in his hand.
"I'm good. I already put cream on my legs, don't worry".
"How can you be good? It's almost 40 degrees and you're wearing a shirt".
