15th December

Chapter 9

Then

He left but he took everything that was mine, my heart, my mind, he took them with him, its even hard to breathe, its been 4 days since the breakup, and the only thing I have done is crying, I don't feel like leaving, im being selfish if I want to end myself just because I lost someone, but hes just not that "someone" to me, hes ALEX, hes my heart, hes my life,I don't know how to move on from this. I don't know if I shoud wait for him or just move on.
Its been 3  months since our breakup, hes talked with me few times, but he does for formality, he doest talk nicely, hes rude many times, he would blockk me then unblock me, that's all he does, its irritating sometimes, not sometimes everytime, I kind of get the vibe that he still loves me but hes ignorning me.
Its super hard for me, months feels like years, I don't go out of my house, I stay inside, I don't talk with anyone, I don't do anything except being in depression and crying all day all night, lying-on floors, going throu panic attacks , weird pain in my chests.
Its was 14th july yesterday and it was decided that me and alex are chatting for the last time, he can not be friendss with me, he said he would try being normal with me after an year, he said he would not talk to me anymore he said I love you to me for the one last time and then he blocked me. I ve been blocked from months now I keep waiting for him, it hurts me, I still am the same obsessive fucking pyschotic bitch, yea that's what I call me, ive been mad for months now, my world has crumbled, I kind of hate him too for making me feel like this but at the same time I want him here.
Its been more than year, im goin ohio soon, its going to be 14th july soon when the last time I talked to him I have no idea how I survived this year but yea I did. Im leaving for ohio for a day after tomorrow, ve been packing and all, honestly I don't feel like goin back because it hurts me to be in ohio and remember everything.
I have reached ohio, its been few days here, and guess whos coming its ALEX, hes coming ohio I got to know it from harry im sure he doesn't know im here that's why hes probably coming here. I don't know how im gonna face him or how he will react but I will surely go at his place once hes here and im gonna ignore him.
He has come, im going at his place. I enter his house, he sees me he looks at me with those same eyes he would look before, I almost feel like crying but I move ahead and ignore him all the time I was there.
The same night he texts me when I see his texts im happy because we are talking after an year, we talk casualy like before but things start to get serious again, we get to past , I start spilling a lot of thing, he tells me he just wants to be friends and is only for here once he goes back he would stop, that pisses me, I loose my mind, I start the blame game , I start accusing him for everything , he tells me sorry for everything, we spent the entire night talking and then we say bye and I knew it was another goodbye.
Days pass their, last time I go at his house, hes not down, hes in his rooms upstair, I go their, when he sees me in person hes shocked and cant really speak anything I try to talk but he doest speak, I feel super low, I feel like crying, but I don't know what to do, I decide to leave but before leaving, I hug him, for the last and the first time I hug him, it felt like time was stopped.  my feelings were super high thou it was shattering inside I knew theres no scope later, I knew now I cant forgive him for treating me like shit everytime. I release him look him in the eye and say him I love you for the last time and then I leave.
After 5 days I leave ohio and I come back NEW YORK, I block him again, he blocked me too and then the days start to passing again like before sometimes I unblock sometime he would do but never text and day by day I keep hating him for whatever he did, everyyear I would hate 15th december for meeting him.