Magnetic

Chapter 10

It started raining when I left my Law and Society course. It was as drab as it sounded. Every time I left that class or had to do an assignment for it, I wondered why I was making myself suffer like this. It was only Monday and I felt as if I needed a pick-me-up. I guess that was fitting for a Monday. I immediately thought of milkshakes. Then Mirage. Then Chanyeol. We still needed to go to Kahari. I wondered if we actually would. It would be weird if I asked him to go. Maybe next time we met up I could mention it.

The rain pounded on my umbrella as soon as I stepped out of the building. I was thankful my classes were done for the day. I had every intention of returning to my apartment to wallow. There was a weird feeling in my chest all day. It started from my brunch with Jessi over the weekend and intensified. Our conversation, as brief as it was, opened the door for the thoughts I kept fighting to keep locked away. I was losing the battle terribly. She also made me realize a few things. It's always easy to place the blame on others, but I had also been a pretty shitty friend. I avoided them and pulled away without explanation. I defaulted to how I was before college. Believing I didn't need friends. That they didn't need to know everything because we weren't that close. That if they cared, they would have tried to figure it out. They were dangerous thoughts because they only left me feeling empty, alone, bitter, and resentful. As if there was no point of me-
"Hey, Brooke." How he recognized me through the heavy rain and under my umbrella was beyond me. I felt myself tense up. I wanted to keep walking. I should have kept walking. But my body stopped. "Hey." Sehun sounded breathless as he practically hopped in front of me. He only had a raincoat on. I had the urge to hold my umbrella over both of our heads but I stopped myself. I kept my mouth shut and stared, waiting for him to say whatever it was he wanted before I walked away. He cleared his throat awkwardly, taking the hint and starting. "I – I heard you were at the talent show Friday?" I nodded. "What did you think?"
"Nini was great." I knew that was mean but I couldn't stop myself. He frowned, looking down and nodding before meeting my cold gaze again.
"Look, I...I don't really know what to say."
"Bye Sehun." I started to walk around him but he stopped me by getting in my way again. I let out a heavy sigh but didn't roll my eyes.
"I'm sorry." He spewed. I had a feeling he didn't even know what he was apologizing for exactly but felt as if that's what he needed to say. Or at least what he believed I needed to hear from him. To be completely honest, I didn't know what I needed him to say. I didn't feel as though an apology was enough. I didn't even think I wanted one from him. It wouldn't change anything. "I thought about what you said – a lot – and...and I didn't know what I was doing to you." I didn't realize I was scowling until I saw the panic in his eyes. "I mean – I – I was aware of what I was saying but I didn't actually register it. That I was hurting you and-." He tried to quickly recover but I heard enough.
"Bye Sehun." This time he didn't stop me. If he did, I would have screamed. I felt the same anger I felt when I kicked him out that night resurfacing. The same anger and hurt when I overheard him say those things about me. My chest was starting to feel tight. The quicker I got back to my apartment, the better.

It turns out my apartment was not better. I was restless and irritated and uncomfortable and could not stop thinking. Out of pure fuck it-ness, I texted Chanyeol but received no response. I kind of felt as if I were suffocating so I put on my shoes, grabbed my umbrella and left my apartment. Somehow, I ended up back on campus. It was pretty late but there were still a good amount of people present. Mostly in the library and the commons, which was where I was headed. I probably should eat something. I had lost my appetite when I left my apartment that morning and it just never returned.

I ordered fries and found a seat in the corner. I had my earphones in and I listened to music as I nibbled and people watched. It was interesting how everyone seemed to be with someone else. Chatting, laughing, not seeming to be burdened with the stress of college. At least not in the moment. At least not on the outside. I knew that everyone had their own stories. Behind the laughs there was probably something they were struggling with. Issues they were trying to hide from. Like me. They seemed to be better at hiding it though. At the same time, I didn't know them. For all I knew, they could have just had a breakdown moments ago.