What Sirius never said

Chapter 12

The next day James got caught enchanting Lily's notes in AMT so he got kept behind to talk to McGonagall after the lesson. Sirius fell into step beside me as we made our way to the great hall for lunch.
"So do you reckon McGonagall will be able to curb James's enthusiasm?" I ask him
"I have no idea" he barked out a laughed. "But even if she says something that makes James stop and think, I doubt it'll last long".
"Oh I hope it does" I replied "for Lilys sake. The poor girl puts up with a lot from him. I mean, why is he even in love with her? Does he actually know her or is it because she's pretty?"
Sirius rubbed the back of his neck. "Probably the latter. He's always been like this around her".
I rolled my eyes. "That's not an excuse" we  entered the great hall and I scanned the Hufflepuff table for my friends. They weren't there, but then it was a Wednesday, they would be at their club. I turned to wave goodbye to Sirius, only to find he had followed me. As I swung my legs over the bench at the end of the table, Sirius did the same opposite me.
"You know this is the Hufflepuff table right?" I asked him.
He shrugged. "I am aware"
"So... what are you...."
"If I'm not here you're only going to sit by yourself and read. I thought you might like the company" he teased me. He pulled a bowl of mashed potato towards himself and started loading it onto his plate.
"Thank you" I replied quietly, filling my own plate.
"So what would you suggest he does. You know, from a girls point of view?" He asked.
"Stop harassing the poor girl" I started "it seems to me that he doesn't really know her. He just likes what he sees. So he needs to calm down and actually talk to her".
Sirius nodded in thought, absent mindedly taking a bite of his pork chop.
"You know, he really needs to hear this from a girls perspective. You should talk to him".
I raised an eyebrow.
"I doubt he would listen. I actually think it's you who should say something. Just point out that it's not cool what he's doing. He listens to you."
Sirius seemed to really consider that but eventually just shrugged. "We'll see... So what would you be reading if I wasn't here?".
"Goldmans theory of elaborate mass" I replied. "I took it out of the library the other night and it's actually pretty interesting". Sirius just raised an eyebrow and muttered something under his breath about reading for fun. "Alright then, what was the last book you read?" I asked.
"An in-depth appreciation for magical law and limitations by Lucianus Tattleberg" he recited sarcastically.
"I meant for fun" I narrowed my eyes at him.
There was a pause while he thought. "Quidditch through the ages?" It was more of a question.
I laughed "And how long ago was that?"
"Third year? I just don't tend to find much time to read" he defended. "What was the last book you finished?"
"Follow the flu powder" I replied instantly. "Finished it last week. But now I'm reading a muggle classic called Jane Eyre."
He raised an eyebrow at me. "Two books on the go?! When do you even find the time to read that you're not..." he paused, trying to work out how I fill my time. "Already reading" he finished lamely.
"Before bed" I explained, taking another mouthful of food. "I need something to relax my brain, to calm down to, or I can't sleep."
"So what books do you normally read?"
I shrugged "anything I can get my hands on. I like normal wizarding classics, like Audacious Portius or the Elderberries in the cauldron, but I really like some of the muggle classics too. It's interesting to see what they can come up with as an alternative to magic"
Just at that moment we were interrupted by Valerie Bourgen, a Hufflepuff in the year above. Sorry, I should specify, an extremely attractive Hufflepuff in the year above. She and her friends had evidently taken the vacant seats besides us.
"What are you doing here Black?" She asked, smiling at him.
He returned her smile, his dark eyes lighting up. "Hey Valerie, I decided I might try a different table today, you know. See how good your pork chops are compared to ours"
"And?"
He shrugged. "Same old same old. But the company's good. How are you?". His eyes flicked to me and I smiled. I couldn't help myself. They were definitely flirting, there was so much eye contact, but it was nice that he hadn't forgotten that I was there like most of my friends did when the chance to flirt arose.
I zoned out of their conversation a little bit. Valerie said something, Sirius said something back, Valerie laughed. I zoned back in again when I heard my name mentioned.
"Hmm?" I asked.
"Valerie just asked if I'm sticking around for the rest of the lunch hour. I told her that depended on you". I was surprised by that. He was actually being really sweet and considerate. I guess he had never shown me much behaviour to the contrary but it still came as a bit of a surprise.
Valerie had turned back to her friends.
"So that's why you came to sit here today" I leaned in to tease him quietly.
"Whys that?"
"To talk to all the pretty girls. Me being here was just an excuse."
"You're right. I did come here to talk to the pretty girls" he gave me a meaningful look, his eyes shining with myrth. I glared at him and stuck my tongue out. "So beautiful" he teased. "Go on then, who at this table do you fancy? Or would you rather someone at the Gryffindor table?"
I blushed. "Nope. No one" I told him, perhaps not entirely truthfully.
"No one?" He asked sceptically. "You don't want to date anyone in this entire school?"
I shook my head. "It's not about the people so much, I just don't want to date at all while I'm at school."
He seemed pretty taken aback by that. "Why not?"
"Because people talk" he raised an eyebrow and I got momentarily distracted. He looked good. But I made myself carry on. "You can't form an opinion of the person without everyone else giving their opinions and you can't form a real relationship like that. It's not just two people in a couple, it's everyone else around you too. And that's not healthy. And it's weird, you basically live together. You get no privacy from each other because you literally live at the same school. And people need privacy to work out who they are themselves. And girls get judged so harshly for dating around. I mean, it becomes such a thing. They are treated differently. I see it all the time with Kate. Just because she's dated a few guys, other guys don't value her opinion as much, and they don't remember you for you, it's just about who you're with" I ranted at him. I was getting into the flow of it now, my speech was speeding up. My food lay almost untouched before me.
"That's not how" he tried to interrupt me but I carried on.
"It is like that Sirius. It's not the same for guys of course, but that's how it is for girls".
He just raised an eyebrow at me. He thought I was mad and it ticked me off.
"What do you remember about Katrina Matthews?" I asked him. She had been a Gryffindor who had left last year.
"She... She dated David Smith right?" I nodded.
"What about Gloria Finkleman?"
"Sheeee" he let out a breath of defeat. "she dated both Anthony and Gerald Armstrong"
"And Martha Clark?"
"Okay, I get your point" Sirius put his fork down.
"But what do you remember about Billy Hassel?"
"Great bloke, such a laugh".
"And Alexander Osborn?"
"Fantastic quidditch player."
"And Gerald Armstrong?"
"Single handedly beat Ravenclaw in the interhouse assault course".
"Exactly. He isn't remembered for his relationship drama, he is remembered for his skill. Katrina was a quidditch player. A damn good one. Gloria was captain of the Hufflepuff team. Martha was one of the most competent witches McGonagall has seen this decade. But that's all forgotten because they all had drama about their relationships".
"Yeah but Gloria did sleep with both of the Armstrong brothers"
"And?!" I almost exploded at him. "That's her choice! She's completely within her right to do so. Guys are lauded if they manage to sleep with anyone. It's a mark of pride if they date lots of people, but girls, they get the shit end of the stick. They get labelled a slut and they're not respected. So I choose not to date."
I picked up my fork and started angrily shoveling my food into my mouth.
There was silence for a moment, then "I'm sorry" Sirius said quietly.
"What for?"
"That this is the state of the world we live in. That you've taken to carrying the weight of it on your shoulders. That you feel you have to limit your life opportunities to match those of people around you. I'm sorry for making you angry."
I snorted into my chops.
"You didn't make me angry Sirius, it's okay. And as for carrying the weight of the world... It is what it is. But I don't think I've missed any opportunities just yet."
"You've never fancied anyone?" He asked skeptically.
"It's not that I don't fancy people" I paused, "it's just that my decision not to date seems to be pretty mutual".
"Mutual to who?"
"All the boys in the school".
Sirius chuckled. "Maybe you just hadn't met the right ones." I rolled my eyes. "But seriously, would you still stick to this if you found someone you really liked? Someone you could honestly see yourself with forever?"
I looked up at him. He was watching me intently, his deep grey eyes wide. I felt like I was getting lost in them, like the world was getting quiet and it was just the two of us left. I pulled myself out of my reverie. That wasn't just me, the great hall was emptying. It was coming to the end of lunch. I had Defence against the dark arts next on the seventh floor. I had to get going.
"Quaffles I've got to go" I told him as I stood up and started gathering my things in a panic. "I'll see you later" I called over my shoulder. I had only taken a few steps when Sirius called after me. "That wasn't a no Trudy!" Despite myself, despite all I had just said, my heart fluttered.