WalkMan
"Brenda here will get you set up in our system." Doctor Doomsday told me, escorting me through the halls of his Fortress of Doomitude. "I know you don't intend to stay forever, WalkMan, but this way we can at least pay you for your time with us."
I uttered a simple grunt in return.
Doctor Doomsday clasped my shoulder with one robotic hand. "Lighten up, WalkMan" He said to me, grinning from ear to ear. "You may even begin to enjoy it if you give it a chance."
The villain left me alone with the middle age woman he had called Brenda. I could faintly hear Doctor Doomsday cackle as he walked out of the Human Resources wing, before the sliding doors closed behind him. The light from the hallway shone through the glass door, casting an image of the corrupted Rod of Asclepius Doomsquad logo onto the carpet.
Brenda herself was a short woman, somewhere north of middle aged if I had to guess. She wore a brown pants suit with no hint of decorative color or accessory.
"Welcome to the Fortress of Doomitude, the main base of operations for the Doomsquad." She said, in a chipper voice suited for someone of a much younger stature.
"Yeah" I replied, taking the empty seat on the visitor side of her desk. "I'll be working with Doctor Doomsday until we've-"
"Yes, Doctor Doomsday has explained the circumstances of your employment." Brenda said, cutting me off with polite professionalism. Her fingers flew across the mechanical keyboard on her desk, creating a staccato of key presses as she typed. "We can skip the 401K matching plan if you'd like to expedite this process."
"Hold on, you have matching 401K contributions?" I asked, caught off guard.
Brenda nodded, not taking her eyes from the computer screen. "We match up to 25% for new hires, and 75% after your first full year of employment or first successful field operation, whichever comes first."
I stared at the short woman in shock. "The Hero's Union only matches up to 3%" I said quietly.
Brenda clicked a few buttons and squinted at the screen. "You can roll over any previous retirement plans into this one after 6 months of employment, if you choose. But that can be decided later."
With a monumental force of will, I pushed past the retirement plan options. I wasn't planning on making a career of helping Doctor Doomsday take down the mysterious 'The Office' organization.
"Lets skip that for now" I said, and waited for Brenda to finish clacking away at the keyboard before speaking again.
"Next up is the vacation and sick day policies." Brenda said, flipping her screen around to show me the display. "In your first year, you qualify for three weeks of vacation, and unlimited sick days with a doctors note. We take employee health very seriously here. If you feel like you're getting sick, visit the infirmary here immediately for diagnosis and treatment."
"Let me guess..." I said, as I leaned forwards to read the screen.
"Doctor Doomsday is the medical officer, yes." Brenda answered the unasked question. "One of his doctorates is in medicine, after all. He even keeps his medical license up to date."
I raised an eyebrow, impressed. "Let's skip past this too. My healing playlist can cure anything, so I won't be needing that."
Brenda turned her screen back to its usual position, and resumed the machine gun rattle of typing on her keyboard. "Ok, we have contact information next. Who is your next of kin?"
I paused. "Um, I guess that would be Steven, my son."
Brenda paused, giving me a good look for the first time. "You're Steven's father?" She asked, her eyes lighting up at mention of the boy. "I absolutely adore him, he reminds me of my step-son at that age. Did you teach him how to make that ice cream like he makes?"
I stared at Brenda in silence. I didn't really feel up to explaining my whole life's story to this woman, about how his mother had hidden the pregnancy from me, raised Steven in secret, only to be revealed to me by Doctor Doomsday himself as part of one of his nefarious plans...
"No" I answered, after an uncomfortable silence. "He learned that elsewhere."
Brenda nodded, and turned back to the screen. "Ok, well we already have Steven's information, obviously, so I'll skip this section." She hummed to herself as she steadily clicked the mouse, most likely hitting a 'skip' button until she got to the next section.
"Do you have any allergies or illnesses that we should be aware of?" She asked, then fell silent in thought. "I suppose you can cure anything like that yourself, so we can skip medical too."
I nodded, staying silent once more.
"Ok, one last thing here." Brenda said, typing furiously once more. "Would you like to enroll in our continuing education program? We pay for a single college class per semester, hosted online by our local University."
I considered this briefly. "Yes, actually."
Brenda bent down to open a desk drawer, and came back up with a brochure. A diverse mix of smiling students were posed on the cover, standing on some sort of abstract art piece.
"Were there any classes you are interested in?" Brenda asked, as I perused the brochure. "The subjects do not necessarily need to relate back to your work duties here, but it is encouraged."
I glanced up from the pamphlet. "Do they offer any engineering classes?"
Brenda's eyes lit up once more. "They do! They offer a wide variety of engineering subjects. Were you looking for anything in particular? They have Electrical, Civil, Aerospace-"
I glanced back to the pamphlet, and the hand clutching it. Specifically, I looked at the robotic ring finger on my right hand. I watched it adjust itself ever so slightly, keeping in synch with the real fingers on either side.
"Mechanical." I said, and clenched the pamphlet in my fist.
"Certainly!" Brenda said, oblivious to the pamphlet's demise. "Would you like for me to sign you up for the fall semester?"
"Please" I muttered, returning to my usual speech pattern of one-word grumbles.
After a few more clicks, a printer groaned as it woke from its slumber, and spat out a relatively small document. Brenda took the paper, gave it a once over proof read for any glaring errors, then handed it to me.
"Please sign here, here and here." She said, indicating each spot with a small sticker of the Doomsquad logo. I removed each one before signing.
Brenda took the form back, examining them briefly once more, then filed them away in some bureaucratic jungle of manilla folders.
"Mr. Man, I would like to officially welcome you to the Doomsquad. Would you like to be fitted for your uniform today?"
"Yes, he would." A voice answered behind me. I glanced over my shoulder to see Doctor Doomsday had returned, grinning widely still. His cheek muscles were in danger of bursting from all the smiling he was doing lately.
"I want the option to have you blend in with other minions in the field," Doctor Doomsday explained. "A uniform and facial covering would-"
"I was going to do it anyways" I grumbled at my nemesis. "Never know when something like that could come in handy."
