Cold All the Way Through, But Warming

A Quiet Sort of Grief

I couldn't even look him in the eye. "Will, you didn't lose her like I lost him."

"I know," He pressed a kiss to the top of my head, "And I know it hurts, but if you don't confront the hurt then it's just going to grow and grow until you can't remember anything positive about him." I looked up at that, feeling it settle around me. He was right, if I only thought about losing Father I wouldn't remember all the good times. Father didn't deserve that, he deserved to have his grandchildren know about him. Will's hand slid to my cheek, "Please, the next time you dream about him, stay with him. Make yourself remember the good times, banish the bad memories and don't look back." He pressed a brief kiss to my lips, "Ana, please, for me."

I covered Will's hand with my own. "I'll try." The ride up to Scotland was as long as it had been the last time, although Rigel made it a bit more entertaining. It was rather funny to see Will worrying if we would make our other train while Rigel took his time attending to his business outside the station when we had to make a change. But eventually, after a number of delays that meant it was night when we arrived, we were back in the Burnside in Dalbeattie. Rigel seemed quite pleased with the room, and I sighed as I sat down on the bed. "Should we go over?"

Will sat next to me, "In the morning, we'll bring something." In the morning we dressed somberly, hooked Rigel to his leash, bought a loaf of fresh bread from the bakery, flowers from a shop and headed over. It was easy to see that the people here knew what had happened, they recognized Will and dipped their hats or nodded to him. The house itself seemed smaller than the last time I had been here, and it was a drawn and pale Peg who answered the door. Will summoned a small smile, "Peg, I made it."

Her smile was brittle, "Aye, ye did. Come in." She stepped away, and we followed. Everything felt strange as we walked in, and I noticed little bits of dust that had collected on every surface. Dust bunnies occupied the corners and crumbs were on the kitchen floor when we set the bread down. Peg pulled out a knife and began to slice it, "At least ye'll hae a day before the funeral, and the wake after."

"I would have gotten here sooner." Will, sat in a wooden chair, ran his hands through his hair. "How has everythin' been?"

Peg set the knife down carefully, her face pinched. "Hard, Will. It's been bloody hard."

"I shouldn't hae said that."

"Nae, ye shouldn't." She turned to pull some butter from the icebox, "But at least ye're here now." Peg buttered a slice of bread with quick strokes, placed it on a plate and held it out to me. "Anastasia, could ye take this to Da while I talk to me brother? He's in the parlor."

I nodded, "Of course." I scuttled away, hearing a low discussion in Gaelic break out behind me. It was still a rabbit warren of rooms and eventually I found the parlor. Rigel trailed after me, completely oblivious to the eerie feeling that pervaded the whole house. All the curtains were drawn and only a few lights were lit, making the whole place feel like a tomb. When I reached the parlor, I paused and took in the gloom. The curtains had been draw, the lamps were off and I could barely make out the furniture. I turned on a lamp, "Samuel?" There was no reply, and I edged toward another lamp. "I've brought some food."

Again, nothing.

It was only when I came around the edge of the sofa that I saw him, thin faced and haggard. His clothes were freshly washed, but that was the only presentable thing about him. His hair was dirty, his beard matted and he was simply sitting and staring at one of the curtained windows. I set the bread down on a table where Rigel couldn't reach it, "Samuel, why were you sitting in the dark?" He didn't reply, although he did look down when Rigel bumped his head against his hands. I brought the plate over, "Samuel, Will and I brought fresh bread. Have some, please."