Words that can't be written

Chapter 3

I silently sit at the back near the window and watch students run because they are late. Even though they are late, why it seems they are happy with it. Are they not afraid that their parents will be receiving a call from guidance and do a general cleaning?

I hope I was them.

Growing up with an unstrict and supportive family must be easy.

Napalingon ako sa katabi ko ng magaslaw syang umupo at natamaan pa ang braso kong may pasa ng kanyang malaking bag.

"Whats with that face, woman?" Ngumisi siya at umiwas na lang ako ng tingin at hindi na siya pinansin habang iniinda pa din ang sakit ng braso ko.

Hindi rin naman nagtagal ay pumasok na ang aming guro si Ms. Minton. Kilala siya bilang isang magaling na professor at may tatlong degree, isang psychology, neuron, and teacher. But this time she will be our teacher for psychology.

I am in 4th year college, taking BS psychology because that is what my parents want me to take, but honestly I don't know what I want, so I just follow them since they know the best for me.

Tahimik akong nakikinig habang maingay na humaharok ang aking katabi kaya nawawala ako sa focus. Bahagya ko siyang itinulak ng bigla siyang tumayo at itinuro ako.

Inis ko siyang tiningnan kasi ang ayaw ko sa lahat ay makuha ang atensyon ng iba. Pero dahil sa ginawa niya ang atensyon ng buong klase ay napapunta saakin.

"Ma'am sasagot daw sya sa tanong nyo, ikaw naman, nahiya ka pang tumaas, ginamit mo pa talaga ako, Ashiana." sinilip pa nya ang ID plate ko para lang mabanggit ang pangalan ko.

It seems face, and he already knows me a long time.
I shook my head and made myself go back to focus. It's not the right time to think about it. I am surely this is the first time we know each other. Faked.

Marami akong narinig na bulong-bulongan na kung close ba kami at kailan iyon nangyari. May nagsasabi pa na ang kapal ng  mukha ko para gisingin ang hindi ko kilalang lalaki at gamitin ko pa ito.

Tumayo ako at iniwasang tignan si Miss Minton kasi bali-balita na kapag tiningnan mo ito ay malalaman niya ang lahat na tungkol sayo. Iyon ang nagpapatunay kung gaano siya kagaling na psychologist.

"So you use Mr. Xavier..." tinaasan niya ng tingin si Xavier na nakangisi lang sa kanya. And I think alam na ni Miss na gawa-gawaan lang lahat iyon.

"If I will be giving you an option, option 1 having a family who is supportive to your dream but struggling financially and option 2 having manipulative family but financially fine what will you choose?"

Hindi ko alam kung ano ang pipiliin ko. Is it my dream family or a family that I have right now?

Tinignan ko si Miss Minton na nakatingin na saaking kamay na nakahawak na mahigpit sa aking skirt kasi inaatake na naman ako ng anxiety.

"I'll choose having a manipulative family but financially fine because I don't need to worry where I will get my allowance since my family will provide me for that and I personally don't have plan for my self and I'll choose to have a family of manipulative since they can decide for my own future and they know the best for me." I honestly answered her question.

I know that my answer does not satisfy her.

Because, it does not satisfy me also.

"Poor you, woman. You should choose to have a supportive family but are struggling financially. You can't call it family kung sa isip mo ay dapat isa lang ang nag wo-worry. Not all families are perfect. Family must walk in the path that they need to face problem in order to build a strong foundation for their family. Ang pera o yaman, pinaghihirapan para makuha, having a supportive family I believe that you have a higher chance to be wealthy in the future. Plus, Masasakal ka lang sa pamilyang iyong pinili, and maybe you are experiencing it now kaya hindi mo pinag-isipang mabuti ang pinili mo."

He said it confidently that makes everyone clap for his answer. I look to my professor, and she looks happy with his answer. I feel displeased and distance myself to him na ikinataas ng kilay niya.

"You know miss, wala akong covid-19, kapogian lang taglay ko ayaw mo pang magpahawa."

Hindi ko na siya pinansin at tumingin ng diretso sa unahan habang nagtuturo pa rin si ma'am. Habang ang katabi ko ay kumuda na lamang ng kumuda at ako ang sinisisi kung bakit nag-iinit ang ulo nya.

"Kainis naman, ginising mo ako, ang init tuloy ng bait ko"

"Kailangan ko pang uminom para makatulog ulit."

"Ang bobo mo namang sumagot, akala ko ba matalino ka?"

Nainsulto ako sa sinabi niya kaya hindi ko na mapigilan pang tumayo at itulak sya. Napaupo siya sa sahig at ang gamit niya ay nagkalat. Miski ako ay nagulat sa ginawa ko pero hindi na ako makaibo.

"You don't have the right to tell me I am stupid. Wala ka sa posisyon ko,"

Nag-uunahang pumatak ang mga luha sa aking mata na gumuhit sa pisngi ko hanggang sa gilid ng labi kaya napangiwi akong hinawakan iyon ng malamang nabura ang concealer na nilagay ko para matabunan ang sugat don.

"GO TO MY FACULTY NOW," I know she's pertaining to me. I silently grab my bag and walk outside when that man holds my arm to stop me. Itinaas niya ang skirt ko kaya nagulat akong itinulak muli siya.

All of my classmates gasp ng makita nila ang sugat at mga pasa ko don. Nanginginig akong tinignan silang lahat. Ayokong makakita ng awa sa kanilang mata. Hindi ko alam kung saan ako tatakbo para magtago. I'm not in my own room to hide.

I just wish to have someone who will cover me from this.

I hold Miss Minton tightly when she covers me with her coat. "Sorry..." She wishpered up and ordered all my classmates to go outside as they were dismissed.

"Aiden Kyiel Xavier, you will stay in this room."

"I will, sister,"

"You will report this to mom,"

Hindi ko alam kung tama ba ang pagkakarinig ko na irereport ito sa Director. It can't be, si dad, si mom, they will argue again, my mom will leave the house again. I will be alone with dad. He will going to hurt me again vocally, and kapag nalaman iyon ni mommy, uuwi siya, malalaman niya ang dahilan, then she will hurt me physically. Im scared!

"Ma'am,  please don't, my father, my mother will leave me. Please don't.  I'll settle this on my own with him. I promise I will not do it again, I promise."

Nanginginig na ang buong sistema ko sa mga nangyayari sa paligid. It kills me inside. I can't breathe. Hindi ko alam na ganito pala ang tama nitong nangyayari saakin. I don't know. I don't have any idea.

"Make her sleep. She needs that."

"I will. You can go outside na and tell this to mom. Remember what she wished for."

Yinakap ako ng mahigpit, parang isang yakap galing sa ina. Gumaan ang pakiramdam ko at ang liwanag at dilim ay nag tatalo.

Kailan ako muling makakapagpahinga ng ganito.

I hope this will last long.

I hope.