Race for the Throne | Formula One

62. Numb

I woke with a start, sweat dripping from my forehead. When I tried to balance myself on my arms, my left shoulder screamed in protest. Where was I? Everything from earlier came rushing back to me. Someone was by my side in an instant, brushing my hair out of my face with a gentle hand. A cup was pressed to my lips and I sipped the water. My eyes adjusted to the darkness. Charles was sitting on the bed next to me. There were other shapes in the darkness. But Charles was here. Charles meant safety.

"Go back to sleep, I'm here. I'm not going anywhere," he murmured, helping me lay back in the bed.

I wanted to protest but I couldn't, I didn't have the strength.

Charles laid next to me, talking softly. "You're safe, Mateo is guarding you. A lot more security arrived and are also guarding the room. I'm here. Arthur, Pierre, Carlos, Max, Daniel, Lando, and Ines are in the room too. They refused to leave you once they found out. Everyone else is still here too but in their own rooms, we didn't want to overwhelm you. We didn't know what you would want. I wanted to thank you for being so concerned for me, Mateo told me about how you asked him to protect me and how you didn't want to tell me anything. But please never do that again. If something worse had happened to you, I never would have been able to live with myself. Thank God Mateo was able to get there when he did to stop Alvaro."

My breathing stopped. He thought Mateo killed Alvaro. His face was what caused me to wake up, it haunted my dreams. My family was dead but the only person in my dreams was Alvaro. I killed him.

"What did you say?" I croaked.

"Please don't put your own life in danger to protect mine. You're so much more important, especially now." His voice was softer towards the end of the statement. He misinterpreted what I had meant.

My heart cracked. He knew. They all knew. Everyone knew. They had announced it. My family was dead.

"Charles, you're all I have left." My voice was thick with emotion but my eyes were dry.

He pulled me as close as he could without injuring my shoulder and kissed my temple. "I'm here, I'm not going anywhere. And neither are any of them. Nothing could get them away from you. They helped me get you out of the paddock without anyone seeing that you were injured or anything. The only time they left your side was when the doctor came to take care of your shoulder. We're going to be here for you, always, I promise."
I stared at the ceiling. I could hear Charles speaking, I could understand what he was saying, but it didn't seem real.

Reaching up slowly, I touched the bandage on my shoulder. "What did they say?"

He rubbed my arm gently. "They had to remove the bullet from your shoulder, it damaged some of the muscle but the doctor said that you should heal."

"I'd rather it killed me." My voice was so quiet that I mouthed the words more than said them.

"You can travel but you have to be careful because there could be complications." Charles continued, not hearing me. "We're all going to go with you to Monaco."

As soon as he said we were returning to Monaco my mind kicked into overdrive. I needed to get out. I needed to run. I couldn't stay here and I couldn't go there. But I had to go back. I couldn't run. I couldn't run anymore.

Charles stroked my hair until I finally drifted off to sleep. I didn't want to sleep, it made me feel powerless, I wasn't in control of my thoughts, I could stop Alvaro's face from being everything I saw.

Light was barely streaming through the windows when I woke again. Charles was still asleep next to me, face peaceful. I kissed his forehead, there was so much turmoil inside of me and I didn't want to disrupt his peace. I climbed out of the bed gingerly, careful not to wake anyone up, especially the various drivers scattered through the room sleeping. I grabbed a few things from my suitcase and disappeared into the bathroom. Turning on the shower, I pulled off my clothes and stepped inside. There was a bandage taped to each side of my left shoulder. Letting the water wash over me, I attempted to wash away everything I was feeling. But only then did I realize, I didn't feel anything. I was completely numb, completely empty. There was just a yawning void in my chest. Shouldn't I feel something? My family was dead. I wasn't there for them. I killed a man. I should be furious at the world, at myself. I should be sobbing because my family was ripped away from me, that even though I was the only one left I felt like I had lost my life as well. Why couldn't I cry? Why couldn't I feel something? Anything.

My breath caught as my shoulder screamed in protest when I tried to rinse my hair. This was something. I could feel that. I wasn't dead. That made me alive. I reached up with my good hand and squeezed my shoulder. Biting my lip, I kept applying more pressure. My vision swam and my legs shook with the pain. But I could feel it. I wasn't numb. Sparks of pain ignited my entire body. But I was alive.

"Kat?" there was a knock at the door.

I dropped my hand instantly, blood pounding in my ears. "Yes?"

Turning off the water, I stepped out of the shower but felt instantly light headed. I tried to grab the counter.

"Fuck!" I yelled, crashing to my knees.

I had managed to get one hand on the counter, my bad arm, and when I fell my shoulder gave out. The door was kicked in and Charles rushed to my side. He helped me onto the bench and wrapped a robe around me.

"You should have woken me up, Kat," Charles said softly.

"Just help me get dressed please." My voice was tired.

Pierre stuck his head around the door, hand over his eyes. "Everything ok?"

"Yeah, just close the door," Charles called.

The French driver closed the door, leaving Charles and I alone. He helped me into my clothes. I had picked a tank top to minimize what was on my shoulder which ended up being a good idea since my arm was bleeding again.

"We'll have to get the doctor to come back for your arm." Charles twisted my wet hair up in a clip for me

I sighed. "This'll be fun."
Charles held my waist as we walked back into the bedroom. Everyone was awake. Charles walked to the door to tell Mateo to call the doctor back

"I ordered breakfast," Carlos announced. "It's much easier to deal with things not on an empty stomach."

I smiled appreciatively at the Spanish driver, I knew I wouldn't eat anything but the others could and it was sweet nonetheless.

The doctor arrived and peeled the bandages off. "You did a number to your shoulder this morning."

"I fell." It wasn't a lie but it wasn't the whole truth.

The doctor raised an eyebrow like he didn't believe me. "Must've been quite the fall."

He proceeded to stitch my shoulder again and put new bandages in place. "Try not to fall again."
"I'll try," I replied.

I would try not to fall again but I would make no promises about anything else.

Once the doctor left and the food arrived, we all sat around in silence.

It was only broken when Lando finally said, "Congratulations again on the win, Charles."

"I would have loved to pull it off but you earned it in the end," Max added.

Charles smiled. "Thanks mates."

I appreciated how they talked around the elephant in the room. But with the glances they kept shooting in my direction I could tell they all had many things they wanted to say but didn't have the courage to actually say anything. And the talk of Charles' win made me feel guilty and responsible for his night being ruined. That was something I didn't want to feel.

I threw the napkin I had been twisting in my hands onto the bed. "Just ask, ok? Just say whatever you guys want."