Race for the Throne | Formula One

53. Walls Come Tumbling Down

Charles just sat next to me, not saying anything. I tightened my arms around my legs, I wanted to be as small as possible. I made sure that no part of me was touching Charles.

He opened the binder again. This time flipping through the articles in the front.

"This one talks about how you handed flowers out at a hospital." He pointed to the headline. "And this one is about a piano recital you were a part of when you were ten."

"What are you doing?" I asked, tired.

Charles turned to another page. "I know the parts you think of are bad, but it isn't all bad. You've done some incredible things in your life, don't let some random people who don't know the real you discount that."
I turned to face him, punching the pillow. "Why can't you get angry? Why can't you be mad about all those articles? I want you to be mad at me! I want you to hate me!"

I kept hitting the pillows, sobbing now. Charles pulled me close and I beat my fists against his chest.

"Just hate me, please. Hate me." I sobbed. "Hate me as much as I hate myself."

"No," he said simply.

He held me until I stopped hitting him and  went limp as the emotions drained from me.

"I will never hate you. I love you and that includes the broken parts. I love you. I love you. I love you," he murmured against my hair.

"I don't deserve it. I'm just a fucked up princess." I muttered.

He leaned back enough to brush my hair behind my ears. "And I'm just a fucked up driver. We're all messed up in our own way. Thank you for opening up, I can't imagine how hard that was for you. And I love you even more for it."

My shoulders slumped. "Why are you so good to me?"

"Because whether you believe it or not, you do deserve it. You are one of the kindest, sweetest people I've ever met. You have the brightest smile and the most contagious laugh. I know my life is better now that you're in it. And I will never get tired of showing you that. I don't care if it takes the rest of our lives for me to fully tell you how much I love you because I will do it."

"I love you." Tears well up in my eyes again as I pulled him close this time.

He kissed the top of my head and smoothed my hair. "I love you too."

We held each other on that couch for a long while. Andre, our butler, found us there.

He cleared his throat. "Dinner is ready, Princess."

I looked up at him. "We'll be there in a minute."

He nodded and held the door for us as we walked out.

He grabbed Charles' arm as he passed. "I have known her my whole life, don't even think of hurting her."

"Andre, please don't threaten him." I huffed, wiping my eyes on my sleeve.

Andre nodded to me. "I wasn't threatening. I just made a statement."

"Should I be scared?" Charles asked.

The same time I said no, Andre said yes.

I had thought that after telling Charles the whole truth and letting him see the articles, that it would be awkward. That he'd have to leave to collect his thoughts or figure out what he wanted for our future. But he didn't let it get awkward. He kept me talking during dinner as if he knew that as soon as we stopped I'd clam up and be unreachable. Andre gave approving nods every time he walked in. 

"Want to watch a movie or something?" Charles asked once dinner was done.

I shook my head. "I want to show you something. It's nice this time. It's like my safe place. It wasn't for a time but it is again."

Charles nodded in understanding and took my hand in his as I led us through the palace,

I took a deep breath before pushing open a door. "This is my music room. I used to come here whenever I was upset, then I avoided it because everything that happened at Cambridge. All my music was angry afterwards. But now, now it's not."

My piano was on one side, there was a keyboard and recording equipment in the corner along with microphones and speakers. A few guitars hung on the wall along with a bass. A record player was against the wall and a mix of vintage and modern records were on display.

Charles walked over to the piano and tapped the keys. "This is beautiful."

I tucked my hands into my sleeves. "I figured if you were going to be in my world more, you might want to be in here too."

He came back over and kissed the top of my head. "Thank you for sharing this with me."

I fidgeted with the record player. "I hope you like it."

Picking up some papers, he held them up. "What's this love?"

"Oh, nothing. Just a song I worked on the other day." I picked up a vinyl and put it on the player.

Frank Sinatra began playing softly in the background. 

Charles tapped my shoulder and bowed. "May I have this dance?"

I gave a small smile. "You may."

He took my hand and pulled me close as we swayed to the music.

I looked up at him, lost in his eyes. "Why are you still here?"

His brow creased. "Where else would I be?"

"Not with me? I just showed you the worst parts of me and you didn't even flinch. Not even when I was hitting you, which I'm really sorry about," I apologized.

He smiled softly. "Because I love you. You're the person I want to spend forever with, we all have a past. I've made my fair share of mistakes. I've failed my family, friends, relationships, my team, all before. But that doesn't mean I stop racing, that doesn't mean I stop trying to make my family proud, that doesn't mean I'm not going to give everything that I am to this relationship. I'm nowhere close to perfect. I just don't get people hunting out terrible things about me all that much because I'm not under the same level of scrutiny as you. But I am willing to go through that for you. I want to help you see your world  the same way I see you, because I think you're incredible and strong."

I stood up on my tip toes and kissed him gently. "I love you."

"I love you too." He brushed a piece of hair behind my ear.

We danced for the rest of the record before deciding to call it a night.

I curled up against his side and he rubbed my back.
"Kat?" He looked down at me.
"Hmmm?" I looked up at him.
"I know it's hard but eventually you'll have to let go of the past. Because no matter how much you dwell on it or try to ignore it, its always going to hurt. But I'm always going to be here to help you focus on something other than the pain, but only you can let that happen." He kissed my temple. "Goodnight Princess."

"Good night racer," I replied, mulling over his words.

His breathing evened not long after, signifying he was asleep. I stayed up a little longer, for the first time in a long time  it wasn't because I was overthinking negative things. Instead I was thinking back on my time with Charles and how my life had also changed for the better since he was in it. I hadn't been the party princess for years, instead I had been a timid, broken shell of who I had been before university who had quite bad coping mechanisms as seen by my running away to Crete to get drunk. I had hidden from everything until that Monaco Grand Prix when I decided to try to start living a little more. And then I had met Charles and I always told myself I was trying to protect him but in reality, I had always been trying to protect myself, lower my walls just enough but not all the way. Always seem like everything was ok. But now, all my walls were down. He knew all of it. And he was still here.

"Please don't hurt me," I whispered, kissing his shoulder.

He pulled me closer against him in his sleep as if knowing what I had just said.