Drowning Lessons ➳ Frerard

.Chapter Five.

[A/N: trigger warning for those who get squeamish about it/react badly over it...]

Gerard blared the music to drown out his pathetic cries as the blade dragged across his scarred hip, he deserved the pain, didn't he? Frank apparently doesn't like him, he barely likes himself. So why should his skin go untainted?

Sometimes Gerard wished he could be Mikey. If he was Mikey, he'd have friends, a life, a girlfriend and everything else that Mikey has the luxery of having.

But wishing wasn't good enough, he'd never be Mikey, for he was Gerard, and Gerard was supposed to stay Gerard.

Making the 7th cut along his hip, watching the blood drip down his leg at an alarming rate. He didn't have time to think long enough as he heard the doorknob rattle. Gerard stood up, pulled his pants up quickly and ignoring the pain, he turned the stereo off and unlocked the door before sitting awkwardly on his bed due to the gashes in his hip.

"Come in." He choked out.

Mikey walked in, Frank standing behind him, his eyes drifting over the many band posters taped to the wall.

"What's with the music being so loud?" He asked, and Gerard swore he glanced at the bloody blade that Gerard had forgotten to hide back in it's place.

His hand consciously moved over it and it clenched around the blade, he could feel it pierce the tissue of his palm.

"I-it's always loud Mikey. I always have my music loud." Gerard explained. "It's nothing new..."

"It was louder then usual." Mikey argued. "I could hear the song perfectly and sing along to it from across the hall, are you trying to hide something?" His eyes narrowed as he looked Gerard over, Mikey's gaze briefly stopped at Gerard's hip where there was a darker spot slowly getting darker. "What's on your pants?" He pointed.

Gerard looked down, his eyes clenched shut as he hissed a quiet but audible "shit!"

"Gerard." Mikey warned.

"Please go." Gerard said slowly. "I don't want you in here."

"Obviously. Your being secretive and you've been crying- why have you been crying?" Mikey asked, his voice becoming less strict as he walked closer into the room.

Gerard looked at his brother, "reasons." He looked up to see Frank staring at him with a semi-knowing look.

Shut the fuck up Frank. You know nothing.

"Take your pants off." Mikey ordered.

Gerard spluttered. "What? No thank you..."

"I just wanna see what you did. I know you did something." Mikey begged.

"Please just play with your best friend and leave me alone. I'll do what I want and you can't stop me." Gerard stood and made a muffled sound of pain and the bloodied blade dropped from his bloody hand. "Damn it! Don't say a word. And leave...please."

The two did. With hesitation at least and Gerard cried for many reasons as soon as he locked the door. 1) they now knew 2) they were probably judging him and 3) these were his favorite pants.

He kicked them off and changed into a pair of gray sweatpants before picking up the metal piece and hiding it in it's place and he threw the pants in the hamper and walked out of the room.

Ignoring Frank and Mikey's accusing glares. They know what he did, didn't they?

"Stop staring at me!" Gerard yelled. "Don't you dare judge me. It was my decision, I did it, now leave me alone, I'm sure you have better things to do then stare at my ugly face." He had enough when he walked right out the back door and slammed it with a hard enough force to send a cracking noise through the air.

-

Mikey stared at the door for a few minutes. "I never knew...did you...see anything?"

Frank shook his head, "he kind of freaked when I asked why he was wearing a long sleeve shirt today though..."

"Oh..." Mikey nodded. "I thought he was actually happy with his life, I guess nothing's changed then."

"What...?" Frank asked, suddenly curious over Mikey's morbid words. "Nothing's changed? Has he done this before...?"

"I don't know! I've only just found out 15 minutes ago. Just like you...just, I guess don't say anything about it until my mom and your dad get home from their honeymoon, okay?" Mikey looked at Frank until he nodded a silent 'I promise'.

"Now, follow me. I've got to go see what the bastards doing." Mikey stood up and walked over to the glass door.

"I thought you two were close?" Frank asked, thinking that close brothers don't call each other bastards. But Frank never had a brother, so...he didn't really know.

"We are. But sometimes he pisses me off." Mikey opened the door and walked out onto the porch to see Gerard staring longingly at the lake behind their house. It was big, and it was deep. And then Mikey knew that Gerard didn't want to go swimming...

"Gerard?" He called, edging closer and closer to the side of the lake where Gerard was staring down into his reflection in the water. "What are you doing?"

"Wouldn't I look so pretty in the water?" Gerard asked, not looking away from his blurry reflection. "My skin pale...my eyes closed, and my heart...never mind, what?"

Mikey swallowed, did Gerard seriously just ask him if he'd look prettier if he was dead?

"Gerard. Don't think like that."

"What's it too you, if I do?" Gerard yelled. "It's my head. It's my thoughts. It's my body-why should you have any say in it?"

"B-because you're my brother." Mikey whispered. "Why would I want you dead?"

"Everyone else does. Why wouldn't you?" Gerard shrugged, his gaze way to attached to that reflection of his.

"What do you mean?" Frank piped up. "Who exactly wants you dead?"

"You..." Gerard trailed off. "The kids at school, the teachers that talk about me in bad ways like I'm not even there...and probably even more."

"Who said I wanted you dead?" Frank demanded angrily.

"You. Who else calls someone a piece of shit without even knowing them first? I was nice to you! I helped you! And you act like I'm nothing but a rat on the side of the road!" Gerard yelled. "What the fuck is up with that, huh?"

Frank looked at Gerard with wide eyes, not because he was scared, because Gerard really did seem to get angry very easily. He turned to Mikey and nudged him, and they walked back up to the house, leaving Gerard to pant from all the oxygen he lost from yelling and he turned back to the water.

________________________________________

I for some reason feel the need to put a note at the end of every chapter even if I have nothing to say...so um, did you get the impression that Gerard was always depressed and suicidal and stuff in the first chapter?

I had it in mind but didn't want to put a lot of foreshadowing or something....

Bert somehow found himself a part in the chapter already, it autocorrected very to Bert. Huh...they aren't even that close...

~ Frnkiero and the Lemons