Even After Everything (After #1) (COMPLETED)

34: Marco

"Don't tell me you... gusto mong makipaghiwalay na sa akin?"

Perhaps we're in the situation that needs all of us breaking apart. Perhaps I expected him not to really sound this hurt. Because why would he? He should have sounded like this while Keith's confessing about how they fucked up abroad. Yet no.

As if the thought completely obliterated all the remaining life in his system, Johann looks away and his grip tightens.

"After... after all these years, hyung?" his voice broke once again. "Tangina, hindi pa nga tayo pero... balak mo nang sumuko?"

I know... I know I should say something to take it back. To make him take back all he's saying because he's just being delusional. Unnecessary. Kasi saan naman niya nakuha iyon, 'di ba?

But my mouth wouldn't even budge.

"Anong sabi ni Norwyn kanina?" aniya. "Did he let you know he's sensed something from us?"

"H-how... how did you know?"

"Fuck." binitawan niya ako at lumayo saglit. "Kaya ba... Kaya ba ganoon kalaki ang galit mo sa kaniya paglabas ko? Paglabas n'yo kanina? Anong sabi n'ya? Anong pinag-usapan n'yo na hindi ko narinig?"

Gusto kong sabihin sa kaniya na hindi ko alam. Hindi ko na alam. It felt like I was a deer crossing the road and Norwyn's a large beaming car coming towards me. Transfixed and unable to move, my whole body shuts down as it didn't allow my brain to process what was coming.

Yet all I knew was... "This fear is bringing me to places, Johann."

"Then take me with you." hinawakan niya ako uli. "Whatever and wherever it is, I'll go with you. I gave half of my life watching you from afar, hyung, and now that we've got a chance... sa tingin mo madali lang sa akin bumitaw?"

"That's not what I..."

"Then what? Hindi kita maintindihan, hyung. Anong sinabi niya?"

I've waited. We both did. The silence is too much... Defeaning. How did we come from fighting with Keith and Norwyn to... this?

I've tried thinking about his fear. Our fear in this relationship. Ilang beses ko nang naisip iyong pwedeng mangyari kapag nalaman ng lahat ang tungkol sa aming dalawa. It'd either come down to two things: our fans will find it as a reason to stop supporting us and the whole industry will turn their backs against us. It's... blasphemy. Immoral. Never once in any history of Filipino bands were the members had fallen in love with each other. Let alone two men in a band.

But I've already prepared myself for it. For the damage it could bring to us. Though it scares me to pieces... At least I knew what am I supposed to do after... But getting and being real to the closest people around us?

Perhaps the reality of being disowned by people who means much to us scares me the largest than what the society could do to us.

Hindi matatanggap ng pride at puso ko na paghihiwalayin kaming dalawa nino? Ni Norwyn?

Heck! He's not even my parent! Bakit... bakit hindi ko kayang lunukin na dahil lang sa pangako na binigay ko noon... iyon pala ang puwedeng sumira ng lahat?

"Let's go home." I requested. "Pagod na ako."

Nagsimula na ako maglakad palayo at hinintay siya na sumunod. But I have pressed the elevator already and he's still in the same place. Walang emosyon ang mukha at bagsak ang panga.

A sharp pain crossed my chest. Is this what would feel when everybody learns about us? We can still be this close but not that close?

Johann's just demanding one thing from me. And I didn't give it to him. Paano na lang sa sitwasyon na kailangan kong pumili kung siya o career namin?