Even After Everything (After #1) (COMPLETED)

02: Marco

I can't bring myself to sleep.

After that fucking night. Fucking encounter with my band member.

My full face was full red after brushing and scrubbing it from the disgust he gave on my forehead. Who gave him permission to fucking lay his lips on my forehead?! What the fuck?!

With the lit cigarette in my right hand and inhaler on the other, the view in front for me tonight is like the same view I had from that motel rooftop. The difference is I'm at my condo, on my balcony, smoking my lungs out.

I've been coughing up since I lit this cigarette but I don't want to stop. Despite making me more awake than put me to sleep, every time the smoke is inhaled by my lungs, it felt like a dream. A dream I wish I could stay on for a longer time.

The cars below me screeched when a kid crossed the busy road. Nakita ko kung paano lumabas sa bintana ang driver at sinigawan ang bata. Instead of apologizing, the kid gave him a middle finger and ran away. I laughed.

Fucking adorable.

It's cold out here but my polo shirt is thick enough to bring me warmth, hoping it will help to stop me from being wide awake.

Isn't it's fucking fantastic how you don't do anything these past few days... weeks... and even months for you to be tired and have reason to sleep yet you're here... unable to curl in your bed and snore loudly than you should?

Wala akong ginawa kundi lumabas lang at dalhin kung saan dadalhin ng mga paa. Mall? Fine. Seaside? Fuck it. Bar? Motel? With someone I don't know? I don't care. I just want something to keep my mind off for a while.

I was about to suck my cigarette but my chest suddenly felt like going through a very tight tube and I can't control my breathing again. It's always like this—but I can't make myself get used to it. I held my breath, hoping there's a small part left, but nothing help.

Tinuloy ko na humithit sa hawak at nang mas sumikip ang dibdib ay hindi ako nagpanic. This hurts but... to feel pain is like making me feel like I'm a human again. So I inhale and inhale the pain like the oxygen I supposed to inhale.

When I knew I'd be wheezing, I pushed the inhaler in my mouth and after a couple of minutes, it doesn't pain me anymore.

Eyes watering, tinapakan ko ang sigarilyo kahit hindi pa tapos at nilagay muli sa bibig ang inhaler. The relaxation of my airways brought butterflies in my stomach and in my head. For a second, I thought of quitting smoking because it fucking hurts but my head said no. So I said I will not stop.

It's late already and I think that the awake road below me is just making me think that if they're awake, I wouldn't sleep, either. Mukha ang unang bumagsak sa kama at inisip kung ano bang puwedeng gawin para makatulog.

My head is bugging me if was it because I saw that annoying bassist of ours or it's just... Fuck it. I don't know anything anymore. Pakiramdam ko naghihintay na lang ako sumabog.

Before I went outside, I charged my phone beside the bedside table and I can hear it now ringing. Who would call me at this hour?

Hindi ako gumalaw at nanatili sa posisyon. Though I can't breathe properly with my nose obscured with the thick duvet, I didn't move until the ringing stopped. Who would check on me anyway?

I would. I would check on myself sometimes. But tonight, I don't want to exist anymore.

***

Seeing our manager's missed calls on my screen after I woke up gave me some signs about the band's state. Norwyn answered the call I made, kahit na ang aga pa rin, and told me that someone wants to help us get back to the industry, as long as we're willing to work under them.