Life Full of Lies

Coward

Nora Duke 

I woke up early despite swallowing sleeping pills. I took one. I was already drowsy and didn't have to be in those nightmares, where I would be lonely or someone would chase me, or I am in a bloody trance where I am feeling someone pushing me of the railing. God that was horrible one! I winced at that thought. Waking up and thinking this is not a sign of normal. 

My eyes adjusted to the darkness of the room and I saw a man lying beside me. At first,I was going to be in action but then I remembered that I am married and this guy is my husband. I laid back resting up on the bed, facing towards the ceiling. 

Taking deep breath I emptied my mind, not thinking, not saying, not sleeping, not feeling anything. I don't know how much time was spent staring at the ceiling but my body started aching. The scars on my back were fresh. I glanced at Nicholas; his face was towards me, sleeping peacefully. His lashes touched his cheeks, he has long lashes, I realized. His cheeks were pink, maybe he was feeling hot. I almost turned towards him, touching his cheek but then I sat up and climbed out of the bed. I glanced towards if woken up but he was in a deep sleep.

I stepped towards the balcony. His room also has balcony that gives a great moon light, mine had too with the moonlight. That was the only place in my home where I felt safe and at peace. Safe is not the right word, because I tried to find it in every crook of my house but I never got it. 

Today, everything felt different. Me. Room. House. Place. World. The world which has many people would be happy, sad, broken, feel like there in the sky, failed, passed. Some would be like all the problems in the world are on their shoulders, some would be in so much depression that they want to die, some already be dead in the world, some are already dead from inside like me. 

Every night had a secret and every person had secrets which would be covered with the morning sky and deep feelings.

I spread my arms and feel the breeze which I want to feel from the very moment I pink up the pen and write the words on the letter, from the very first sight of Nicholas and tangling into this marriage. This feeling. This air. This coldness. It is all so free and full of free that I never wanted to go back to that cave where I was kept all my life. If someone asked for my wish, I would wish to forget myself and start a new life. where there is no revenge, family, mournfulness, no step-mother, no worries of what is coming next. Just me and my freedom.

But that is too selfish for me. Too much. But for now, I sat down on the floor, hands wrapped around my knees, hair flowing because of the cold breeze, I stared at the starry sky which is now fading because of dawn.

"At least I can be peace in now." I sighed, putting my chin on my knees and closed my eyes. I felt someone put a hand on my shoulder and I jerked back.

"Relax, its me." Nicholas said putting both his hands in the air and raising a brow. I relaxed I don't know, but I did. Facing ahead I squint my eyes sun shining brightly on my eyes. Did I just sleep on the floor? "Did you sleep here?" He asked me the question I was asking myself.

I nodded. "I think so." He chuckled and sat beside me. I moved a little and blinked my eyes.

"Why are you sleeping here?" He asked.

"What time is it?" I didn't answer his question. My voice was groggy and hoarse. Yes, I defiantly slept here.  

"It's past 9." He answered looking ahead. "Why were you sleeping here?" He asked me again, slowly with a long silence. 

"I was not sleeping here. I just lost track of time and... and slept. " I said yawning and tucked some hair behind my ear. I looked at him and he was already looking at me, he didn't even look away at being caught but I did.