Haste [h.s.]

~28~

I'm so needy, it's honestly comical.

My life went from being filled of passing moments with occasional pauses that fill in the gaps of time I tend to ignore, to now waking up most mornings with the sun warming up the cotton linen brushing my bare skin and clearing my clouded thoughts the second my senses register her nestled in the crook of my neck.

The alarm clock would tire itself out and go mute before I mustered up the energy to turn around and do so myself. My neediness got the best of me, and all I craved was those extra five minutes with my own before leaving our little refuge.

The sun was creeping up through the corners of Bill's curtains, but I wasn't too bothered by it since it'd been pretty clear inside since I got here last night.

It's been such a long time since I witnessed such mellow fire that I was scared it'd burn me if I got too close to feel something out of it.

Somehow, that wasn't the case in the tiniest bit.

In all honesty, I was blinded by it at first given how sudden it flooded my life. Yet, I was mostly surprised by how tender its heat was.

If given the chance, I'd like to go back to tell myself a few months ago that the sun does in fact shine brighter than I thought, I just had to come out of the shade to let myself relish in its fervor. I don't have much to give, but the sun showed me all I needed and more.

Teeny tiny patters against my lower back snatch my attention and I turn slowly in B's hold to blindly search for the source underneath the blanket, my fingers following their rhythm and I smile to myself when they respond with stronger pats against my splayed palm.

It's been quite the adjustment for Billie to get some sleep now that the baby's kicks are growing more noticeable by the minute, and it breaks my heart every time I wake up in the middle of the to find her sat up on her phone with tear streaks marking her cheeks from not being able to sleep properly.

There were other nights where I'd wake up after noticing her absence and I'd look around the apartment until finding her pacing around to tire herself out, lurking in the kitchen munching on something or snuggled up with Dash on the couch watching some reality show she seems to love.

It made guilt crash over me any time she felt the need to leave the room without telling me, despite me assuring her over and over that I didn't care if she did. If anything, it made me happy that she'd want my help.

I'd come in and sit next to her while her tiredness was crystal clear in her features and try to soothe it by massaging her scalp or brush my thumb over her eyebrows until her eyes fluttered shut and I'd keep her still until I was sure she was out cold enough for me to carry her back to bed without waking up again.

We started trying out different things to see if anything would help the baby have some mercy on their mum so she'd rest better, but none were effective until Billie suggested we'd read to them to see if it'd be of any help. Shockingly enough, that seemed to be the trick to have the kid knocked out long enough for her to sleep as well.