The Fall

Chapter 20

Sage

"Today was good, actually one of the best days ever." I sigh, looking at the camera awkwardly. Today, I felt compelled to pick up the phone Dr. Lawrence gave me and started a vlog. It's just me in my room, Mom and my grandparents left a few minutes ago for dinner and my thoughts are swimming in my head.

"Things with my mom are better, but still it's strange sometimes; how I feel so fucking angry with her, but then she does something so attentive and it reminds me that no matter what she's done, she's still my mom and she loves me." Tears prick my eyes and I don't brush them away for once. I need this. To stop shoveling my emotions down for the sake of everyone around me.

"She offered to braid my hair like when I was a kid and it felt like we were starting over. Before Anthony ever came between us and I miss that. I miss my mom." I took a deep breath and placed the camera on my dining table so I could cross my legs Indian style.

"Kyle and I talked about everything the other day. We both realized that we hurt each other so deeply because we love each other. For so long, we were all we had because our parents weren't emotionally there for us. He told me how much he shut down after my..." I scratched my head. Is accident the right word. I mean, I did try to kill myself, but I was also attacked while it was happening. "... Incident. Not that I blame him. I'd shut down too. Kyle, next to Kade, is the strongest person I know, but sometimes I wonder if he's finally at his breaking point."

I lean forward, keeping myself in the frame and bite my lip, "Sometimes I don't think our parents realize just how much pressure they've put on us to be perfect and I know it's fucked me up in more ways than one, but I'm getting discharged tomorrow and I'm ready to take control of my life. I need it, no, I want it for myself." I smile, a genuine one at that, feeling warmth on my cheeks. "Kade's been amazing. He's practically been here everyday and it's been nice, well more than nice. He's home and makes me feel...safe."

My body heats as I think of how he looked at me the other day, like maybe he feels this connection too. "I keep dreaming about him and I know in my heart that I have feelings for him, but he has a girlfriend and she's so nice, I feel like a bitch sometimes. Ugh, why am I like this. He's my brother's best friend and taken by someone who deserves him, not some drug addict with suicidal tendencies..." I stop the video, that familiar ache creeping into my head... the same one that tells me I'm not worthy of anything good or happy.

"Maybe I'm too broken to be something worthwhile." Tears fall down my cheeks as the door opens before my father steps inside. "Pumpkin, what's wrong?" He rushes to my side and pulls me into his arms. I shake my head against his shoulder and sniffle, "It's nothing, Daddy. Just having a bad moment." I inhale his woodsy scent, free of perfume for once and I smile before pulling away and brushing my tears away. "What brings you here, Dad?"

He smiles and reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a small box, "I forgot to give you your birthday gift in all the excitement of you waking up and didn't want to give it to you for Christmas, so here I am." I hold my hand out and he places the velvet box in it. "I remember when you were a little girl you'd sit with your mother while she got ready for the day and you play dress up with her jewelry and make up." He sighs and I bet he's reminiscing on simpler times before all the infidelity, back when our family was full of love and happiness.

I open the box and my heart swelled at the diamond earrings shaped like horses. Horse riding was always something that Dad and I enjoyed. Tears filled my eyes as I hugged my father tightly. "Thank you, Daddy. I love them." And I did. Maybe sobriety was making me soft, not that I mind.

"I'm glad you do, pumpkin." He tucks the hair pulled from my braid behind my ears. "Are you nervous about tomorrow?" He asks, his pale blue eyes gazing into my own. I swallow hard and nod, biting my lip. "This time feels different, Dad. It's the first time I'm doing this for myself and not just to please everyone else."