𝕳𝖊𝖆𝖗𝖙𝖑𝖊𝖘𝖘 - 𝖂𝖊𝖉𝖓𝖊𝖘𝖉𝖆𝖞 𝕬𝖉𝖉𝖆𝖒𝖘

𝕻𝖗𝖔𝖑𝖔𝖌𝖚𝖊

"I am out with lanterns looking for myself." - Emily Dickinson

I grew up in Romania in my dad's manor, it's more of a castle but he always insisted on calling it a manor. "Telling people you live in a castle makes them think your some kind of royal," he once told me. The manor is situated on a mountain far away from civilization, so no one would find it. It has a dark, creepy atmosphere that somehow always felt very comforting. Possibly by all the ghosts, poltergeists, and living paintings. It felt like it was taken right out of a victorian horror movie. The entire place is also haunted, but not by evil spirits, all of them are kind if you show them some empathy. They've all told me stories of their life and their death.

Most lived short lives like my mom, with an untimely death. My mom's life wasn't that short, but she did have an untimely death. She died while giving birth to me, she died of blood loss. 

I was going to die, we were both going to die or she was going to die. She chose to let me live, there was still a chance we were both going to lose our lives. But I survived and she didn't, most days I wish I was never born, and that she survived instead of me. I always feel guilty about it.

My dad was never the same after that moment, he tried to not let his emotions effect me. Inevitably they did, however I didn't let him notice it because he would've never forgiven himself for that. 

He did a great job at raising me, I'm quite content with the person I am becoming. I have some flaws but past that, I think I'm a good person, I'm at least trying to become one.

I have also made some bad descisions, but everybody does so whatever. 

At the moment I'm not really happy, not truly happy. I haven't been truly happen for most of my life, I don't remeber the time I was happy. I don't remember much from my childhood, besides my dad grieving. He would spend a lot of time crying at her grave, not caring about his health, and sometimes isolating himself. I never confronted him with it because I was aware of his pain, I often think he spent his days like that when I started attending Nevermore.

I enrolled in Nevermore when I was about eleven years old, my cousin Zella had been going there since she was fourteen and I started at fifteen. Me and Zella are really close, we spent most of our time with each other and still do. We smoked for the first time together, we drank for the first time together. 

We went on every holiday with each other and our parents, I'm not that close with my aunt and uncle but they're always really nice. 

Our parents all went to school together, my parents fell in love with each other there and hers did too.

I don't think we will though, that's for sure. Me... maybe, Zella definitely not. I'm also pretty sure Xavier has a crush on her, but she'll definitely reject him. (Besides he's supposed to be in a realtionship with Bianca Barclay, I'm confused by that situation.)

Xavier is one of my best friends, he's the first person that Zella introduced me to. She introduced me to all her friends: Xavier, Ajax and Enid. (She isn't that close with Enid, but they are good friends. They've grown apart over time, probably because of Zella's habits.)

They were very nice to me and befriended me very quickly, me and Xavier immediately shared certain interests; painting and drawing. We still spend a lot of afternoons just painting in his art shed, and talking shit about people. 

It's been a fun couple of years with them, although I still wake up feeling miserable everyday. It feels so repetitive, everyday is repeat of the other. I want someone to break that cycle, and I want to get better. 

I just want to heal, ressurect my mother, love someone, stop being my usual self-destructive self, and a lot of other things. 

★★★

Author's Note:

This is the edited version of the prologue, I like it way more. Still not fully satisfied with it, but it's better than the unedited so that's good. I will be changing some things to the story, but not the plot so don't worry. Just the visual part of it, I may make mood boards for every chapter and outift inspo. I don't know. Have a good day or night.