"A portal. A fucking portal appeared out of nowhere and no one knows what happened. Wow. Some crew I have," I mumble, staring at the black smokey inter-dimensional hole thingy.
"Did anything enter? Or leave?" My mother asks in that infuriating posh accent of hers that I've given up a long time ago.
"No, your majesty."
Jealousy hits me right in the middle of my chest.
I was the one who sacrificed her childhood to save these people. I was the one started the rebellion. I was the one who stayed with my dickhead father just to work towards the betterment of my people. And she suddenly appears and now she's 'your majesty' and I am just the spoilt princess.
"I will close the portal for now. We'll take the problems one by one. First, we'll figure out motive and the culprit of the bombing and then this portal. Dismissed." She waves everyone off.
Our troops are not flies, Mom.
»»----♔-----««
I have been thinking.
The rebellion, mom, how to keep everyone safe, the voice in my head and... Azrael.
Mostly Mom, though.
Favourite child.
It must have been so hard for Emerald.
I know I didn't do anything but somewhere in the back of mind, I think about things I could've done.
My 'room' starts to feel claustrophobic but I don't think I have the energy to physically get up and get out of here.
My throat dries and I feel my fingers tingling.
"No. no. no."
Not again.
The walls close up on me. Not literally. I am experienced enough to know that.
I try to stop my mind from running in circles but my brain has lost all controls on itself.
If the voice in my head is my father then why is my father trying to kill me? If my mother's presence is supposed to ensure my safety why is she never there when I need her? Is Damon back? If so, then how is he involved in with the bombing?
Is Azrael going to end up like Jake? Will my nightmares come true? Will I never bring back the girl I wanted to be?
Endless questions circle through my head. Blood pounds in my ears. I feel my heart thud in chest. Tears feel my eyes and my vision disfigures, as if I am looking through blurry lenses. I use my shaking hands to make a fist tight enough that my nails dig into my palm.
Please stop, I beg myself.
Every breath I take is torture. I gulp down a sob. I don't want anyone to hear me. I can't let anyone hear me.
Neither can I move. I sat down on my bed with my feet dangling of the edge when I came in here. Haven't moved since.
"Hey, Es-"
Shit.
SHIT.
"Esmeray? What's wrong?"
I want to reply. Trust me, Ocean. I do. I just can't.
I vaguely hear her call my name one more time before walking towards me.
"Hey, Essie."
She wraps her arms around my head and pulls me close to her. I snuggle my head into her stomach and all of my walls break down at once.
She holds my hands and hot tears escape my eyes. I squeeze my eyes shut in hope the tears will stop. This whole thing will just stop.
"I am okay," I manage to croak out through sobs.
"Of course, you are. Is there something you would like me to do for you?"
I don't give her a reply.
Not because I don't want to...simply because I still can't.
"Why am I like this?" I ask her, not expecting a reply because what do you reply to that?
"Because you're human and you went through hell. You deserve to be feel things as deeply as you want."
"So did you. So did a million other people. They're all so...normal and happy and stable. Whereas, I am just a victim to my own mind."
By now, I have unwrapped myself from her and laid down on my back, staring at ceiling, trying to calm my racing heart.
"Trauma doesn't have to be compared. We all process things differently. Just because someone else processes their past or feelings in a different way doesn't make them weaker or stronger than you."
I listen to her every word but don't have the energy to respond.
She crawls onto the bed and sits beside my head.
"You know, I can never be a mother?" I break the silence.
She looks at me as if I told her that I was going to marry Chad.
"Why?"
"My father insisted that I get trained in war-like scenarios. No mercy. Not even on the first day of my training. I was eighteen and my father and I were fighting, I got shot," I unbutton my pants, pull it down to my lower belly and point to the almost invisible scar, "They fixed my skin but couldn't fix my uterus. So, if I do get pregnant, it's either me or the baby."
She looks at me, her eyebrows drawn together in...anger?
"Your father is a monster."
My lower lip quivers. I know there's so much more to a woman than being a mother but...
"I am so sorry, Esmeray."
"It's fine. It might be for the best anyway. I'd be a shitty mother. It's better to not have a child than give it a terrible life."
Yeah.
I'll just tell myself that.
"There's always adoption. Or surrogacy."
A flicker of hope. But I blow it out.
"Let's not think too much about this. Better to not be a mother than be a bad one."
»»----♔-----««
It's a short chapter, I know!! But I just wanted to get something published. I really like where this Ocean+Esmeray friendship dynamic is going because it is essential to the upcoming plot. If you have started to get bored, I understand, the last few chapters haven't been...it. However, the plot really takes off from here sooooo yeah.
snow queen out
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The Queen Of Eternity
FantasyUNDER HEAVY EDITING Love. That's a strong word. It breaks you into a million pieces yet somehow manages to put you back together. Power. Self explanatory, isn't it? Who doesn't want power? But power makes you do things that seem psychopathic until y...
