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I don't think I can keep up any longer. It's the same dream over and over again. I pray every night that I don't get the dreams but they progressively get worse and I can't make it stop. You can tell I haven't slept, the eye bags scream sleep deprived, I haven't ate like I'm supposed to and I isolated myself once more form the people who try to care.
It's eating me. I hate to say that Nikko is right, but it's the truth. I didn't want to hear the truth and now here I am depressed, haven't slept, haven't ate and I'm in the verge of loosing my shit right now and throwing myself off that god damn balcony.
I haven't let anyone talk to me, not even my dad. I knew he felt bad but I wasn't in a mood to talk because I know I'll lash out. Even Jord- Francisco tried talking to me. My biggest guess as well is that no one really knows he's my ex, Nikko knows who he is just never seen him.
I also got another letter.
I'm near. You won't be able to hide for long and if you do trust me my love, it won't be for long. I have eyes on you, I'm driving you crazy, like I always have. Love your one and only, Franky.
He's taunting me but it's true. I cry at night knowing one of these days I'll be gone. I'm not scared of him catching me, I'm scared of what he's capable of doing when he does. He wasn't always as bright as he was and I blame his dad. He treats them like shit and I've seen it, Francisco hates his dad so much he had a plan to kill him and was going to tell Franky. Until he found Franky and him talking about how useless he was. So he stopped trying and then his hatred for his brother started there and more for his father.
This is all so draining. Not sleeping or eating and staying up at night figuring if your the problem, that maybe if you didn't exist everything would be, okay? I mean isn't that everyone's thought? I have the desperate need to talk and eat and sleep but it just doesn't want to work, I try but no words come out. Even my parents try but they left already, saying they would be back before Christmas and I felt bad not saying goodbye.
As I was spaced out on my bed I heard a knock. I get up and open it, I decided if I wanted to talk to someone I had to open it. Once I did it was Nikko.
"Alvara, I'm sorry." I look at him confused. We haven't talked since thanksgiving which was a week ago. I didn't say anything but I needed to.
"F-" I stop and looked him. "For what?" I said softly. He looks at me confused this time. I mean, he has reason to, right? I haven't seen anyone.
"For arguing with you. Not talking with you properly, just saying things I wasn't supposed to say."
"It's fine." I said quietly again. I honestly feel like my voice doesn't not sound the same at all. I look up to make eye contact with him, he looks at me with regret. That's what I was scared of.
Nikko and I. We're like water and fire, if I get to close he'll disappear and all that's left of him is memories. I didn't want to push him away, I don't want to touch him to the point of disappearance, but I'm thinking if I keep it up I will.
