Dear Husband, yours only [on hold]

✥ 20 | Choice

choice : an act of choosing between two or more possibilities.

Sanjh couldn't sleep. She thought about him. She couldn't forget the way he looked at her before leaving. It was the same look he had given her on the day Raunak was born. There was anger, hurt and pain in his eyes. He didn't have to tell her in words, she just knew. 

Just like any other woman she had dreamt of a pregnancy where her husband took care of her, loved her, cherished her, pampered her and what not. But for her it was the time when she signed divorce papers, when she did all she could, so that her husband wouldn't notice her baby bump. 

It was a choice Sanjh had made. To not tell him about their baby. He was leaving her anyway. He loved another woman anyway. She didn't want to put him in a position where he was forced to take the responsibility of her and her baby. She didn't want him to live with regret and what ifs of a better life. She didn't want to tie him do to herself, although the idea was a temptation hard to resist. But she didn't want to tie him down. She wanted him to be truly happy.

She still hadn't forgotten that day when they had actually spoken about it. Raunak was barely two months. Usually Sidharth would visit home, spend some time with their newborn and leave. He never spoke about her, asked about her or met her. But that one day was different.

Raunak had started crying and wouldn't stop. She had to walk into the guest room to be with her baby. He had simply watched her, pat him to sleep. Before she could leave he had said he wanted to talk to her. Sanjh knew he was angry and that he had questions. She had returned to the guest room after putting their son to sleep in her room.

"Why?"

It was the only word he had spoken looking at her. He was angry and hurt. He demanded an answer, and all Sanjh could do was look at him. Two months was a long time. She had gone two months without seeing him, listening to him, having him look at her even when he was under the same desk roof. She couldn't help but sink in his appearance. He had changed a bit. Like the style of his beard and hair.

"Why Sanjh? Why didn't you tell me earlier?"

Sanjh had just looked away, unable to take his piercing gaze. 

"Answer me," he had demanded, holding her arm in a grip.

"Would it change anything?" She had asked instead of answering.

"Do you hear yourself Sanjh? It would have changed everything. We had six months. You had more than six months to tell me, dammit. And you just didn't not tell me, you hid it from me. You were right there, in the same goddamn court room, behind that bench and I ... I didn't see it. I have been cursing myself for it. But then I keep going back to that day and I realize that you chose to hide it. Your orchestrated the events of that day to hide it. To appearing before time, to wearing that oversized dress, to sitting hidden by the bench, to not looking me in the eye. You lied Sanjh. How could you do this to me?"

Sanjh had no answer. She had just stared at him, his questions infuriating her. His words had gone straight through her heart like a sword— how could you do this to me?

"Give me a fucking answer, Sanjh!" He had screamed, snapping at the thred of patience she nurtured.

Unable to hold back she had yelled in angst, giving him the answer, "You wanted to be with Minal, Sidharth. I knew you wouldn't leave if you knew. I didn't want to tie you down. I didn't want you to feel forced to stay in a marriage you didn't want."

"It was my choice to make Sanjh. Not yours. You need to fucking stop making decisions for me." His scream had been soaked in pain and was packed with anger and annoyance.