Barely Legal (Julian Casablancas)

.::Chapter Forty-Six||Wisest Decision::.

          The silence was deafening—maddening, even. Janae stole glances at Julian from the passenger seat, internally screaming for him say something—anything. She couldn't figure out if he was upset that she had lied, or because she wasn't exactly a legal adult.

She was ashamed with herself for not admitting it sooner; and also because Julian most likely wouldn't have even realized her actual age had she just kept quiet about it.

        "Will you say something... please."

Julian's eyes shifted to Janae before swiftly moving back to the traffic ahead. He shook his head subtly, chewing the skin on his lip. "If I say what I'm thinking right now... it won't come out right."

          "Do you... still love me, or-" Janae was interrupted by Julian's scoff.

"What kinda question is that?"

"A valid question."

"Of course I love you... that's the problem." Julian's voice dropped to a low whisper upon finishing his statement.

"Jules, I'm still the same person. I'm the same person you met at the modeling agency you interned—I'm the same person you spent nearly an hour with in a blacked out utility closet trying to escape some frat boys—I'm the same person that puked on you the first night we were supposed to have sex- I'm still same fucking person."

"Yeah... and now you're pregnant. You're seventeen years old and-" Julian let out a guttural groan, folding himself over the steering wheel as if hugging it. "You're a fucking kid, Jay. You're a kid."

"First off, you were banging a fifteen year old at seventeen, and second... it's one fucking year! I'm only a year younger than you thought I was-"

"Than you told me you were. You're a year younger than you said you were."

"I'll be eighteen in six months, so not even a year." Janae tried her best to stand her ground.

        "I just don't wanna talk about it—not right now."

"You wanna leave me? You wanna break things off?" Janae sat back in the seat, propping her foot up on the dash with folded arms. She stared daggers at Julian, daring him to say what she felt in her heart she knew he was thinking.

          "I mean... maybe, I don't know."

"So you don't love me!" Janae screamed, kicking at the dash. Her hands went to her face, pressing both her feet into the glovebox as she slipped further into the seat. She sobbed into her palms, trying to shield Julian from the wrenching despair she suddenly felt climbing up into her chest—she didn't want to give him the satisfaction of it.

"Jay, listen to me... that has nothing to do with this-"

"It has everything to do with this! I'm fucking pregnant, Jules!"

"Yeah, well... maybe you shouldn't be."

"Fuck you—I'm not doing that. I'm not having an abortion, so you're either with me or you're outta the picture."

         Julian's hand moved to the glovebox, patting Janae's leg to get inside. She thought about kicking him, but remembered how terrible she felt about leaving that mark on his face. She became even more angry when realizing he wasn't trying to touch her out of reassurance, but instead to retrieve a pack of cigarettes.

"I said I don't wanna talk about it." Julian rolled down the window by an inch, steering the car with his knee as he cupped the end of his cigarette, igniting the tip.

        "How bout I just make it easier on you—how bout I just end it?" Janae spat with a scowl, wanting to hate him, but unable to—she only hated that she couldn't make him love her. 

"It would probably be the wisest decision you've ever made."

Janae began crying again, turning her body toward the window. Julian had just broken her heart—her security—her dignity—her worth. He had taken everything from her, and still found a way to take even more.

        "I wish I'd never met you. I wish you hadn't moved in with Al; I wish you'd never asked me for my number; I wish I'd never had sex with you. I wish I'd never trusted you." Janae spoke with a lump in her throat while gazing out the passenger window.

She didn't take notice of Julian—or the fact that she had just shattered him. He pressed his fingertips into his eyes to keep his tears from falling, but it was pointless. He tried to breathe deeply, and quietly; but it felt like he was suffocating. His voice hitched before sniffling back his emotions, trying to stay strong.

          They arrived back at the complex, silent tension still lingered as they made their way up the stairs. Janae stopped in front of her door—her heart fell when realizing that Julian was not beside her. Instead, Julian was standing in front of his own apartment, shuffling through his keys.

"Jules... please don't do this. Please- come inside with me; don't make me be alone right now."

         Julian stalled at the sound of her voice—turning to face her. He had been crying off and on, managing to evade Janae's notice.

"I need to be alone right now—I'm sorry. I'll get Al to come over, but... I can't be near you right now."

"You've taken everything, I have nothing left to give you. So you're disappearing on me—how cliché."

"Jay," Julian started toward her, stopping in the middle of the hall to keep from the temptation to touch her.
        "You've never had nothing I wanted, but yet... I want it all. You're the love of my life—it doesn't make sense, I can't figure it out, but it's the truth. I want you so goddamn bad... but, what about you? What do you want? I'm not talkin about right now either, I'm talking about always. You're so young... you don't know what you want—you can't know what you want."

        Janae's eyes swelled with tears. "I want you. I've always wanted you. Even when I just wanted to turn you down... I always wanted you. I love you, Jules."

        Julian fought the overwhelming urge to wrap his arms around her. Instead, he found himself taking a step back toward his own apartment. "Just let me think on it. I... I gotta think about this."

          Janae's face scrunched in sadness, quickly turning away so that Julian couldn't see. She frantically dug through her purse to find her keys, needing to get away before she said something stupid—something she couldn't take back.

She choked back quiet sobs, holding her breath as she put the key into the lock, fighting with herself to get into her own apartment. When she turned to close the door, Julian was already gone.