𝘉𝘳𝘰𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳'𝘴 𝘉𝘦𝘴𝘵𝘧𝘳𝘪𝘦𝘯𝘥 || 𝘈.𝘛

47

TW- drug abuse, alcohol abuse, addiction relapse, anxiety attacks

Alex Turner

I'm struggling. 

I'd say that since Brielle stopped speaking to me when it got out that I'd cheated, I'd handled things remarkably well. As suspected, I did fall into a few short periods where alcohol became all too tempting but thankfully, the boys where there to help me. 

However, I've never felt this bad. It seems as though the more I bump into her, the more I start to miss her. It physically pains me to be around her but at the same time, all I want is to be in her presence 24/7.

A song that has already been played once today comes onto the radio that I'd slapped on hours ago in a panic, begging for anything to distract me other than the see-through bag of the painfully tempting white, powdered substance that sits upon my coffee table. 

 I've been sober since just before I'd found Brielle again in Liverpool so I don't know what has me in such desperation to get ahold of the bag that I'd gone to the earth's end to get ahold of just hours ago. Whether it's because I'm just not strong enough to not relapse or because I'm desperate to feel anything other than this endless emptiness that Brielle leaves me with- I'm not sure, but all I know and can think about right now is caving to feel that high that I've constantly craved since the last time I felt it. 

I stare at the drug that I'm literally itching to grab, my hands coming up to my face with a sigh in an attempt to somehow restrain them due to the fact that I don't trust myself enough to know that I won't just mindlessly grab the bag. 

It's then that my eyes begin to rim with hot tears at the realization that I'm probably about to go back into that same cycle that I'd tried so, so hard to reverse all them months ago. The thought that I'm about to throw that effort away has disappointment rushing through my aching core. 

I miss her so unbelievably much but there's nothing I can do. I wish I could tell her everything- how it's all fake and that I wouldn't do that because I love her, but it would be cruel to tell her that I love her when our relationship is clearly at a vulnerable and possibly unresolvable state. 

I want her so unbelievably much but there's nothing I can do. I know she isn't with Max anymore, but somehow that makes me feel worse. I didn't thoroughly like Max but I know that Brielle is strong enough to not associate herself with someone who isn't worthy of her love, so I know that Max must be somewhat decent. I know that Brielle wouldn't put up with that because I saw what she was like with Brian. She's too stubborn to let someone dictate her like that. 

My mind can't stop racing with thoughts of nothing but Brielle and the bag in front of me. I know that I need to make a choice here and now- if I'm wanting to stick to my promise to myself and those around me. 

Hot tears fall when I start to think about it more and my breaths become shorter and shorter with every sob that falls from my liquor-tasting mouth. I've had enough of these already to recognize the feeling dawning upon my frail body as an anxiety attack. 

It seems to creep up on me at the worst moments in time, and I'd class right now as one of those moments because I know what I need to do. 

For once, I side with myself on the thought that I need to get help. 

For once, I admit to myself that I need her.

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short chapter i apologise </3

fun fact i go to the same school the verve went to and my aunty used to go out with richard ashcroft

i could've been richards ashcrofts niece rip

ALSO I HIT 9K READS

love u all for reading thankyou <3