𝘉𝘳𝘰𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳'𝘴 𝘉𝘦𝘴𝘵𝘧𝘳𝘪𝘦𝘯𝘥 || 𝘈.𝘛

35

the lyrics of this song really fit with the chapter so i really recommend listening whilst reading :)

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An irritating buzz sounds through the stern, wooden furniture that I've stupidly fallen asleep on, waking me from my deep, third sleep of the day. Having waken up to the sickening smell of Miles cooking sausages first thing this morning, I'd fallen victim to a nasty hangover judging by the way a surge of bile urged itself up my throat at the smell of the greasy food, followed by the headache that swarmed my heavy head as soon as I stood and ran to the toilet to empty the contents of my weak stomach into the bowl. 

Since the realization of the consequences of my own actions, I've forced myself to sleep two more times after that. I absolutely despise throwing up, so if it means I have to spend my day sleeping away the pain in order to avoid the inevitable nausea, I'll do it. 

Now, waking up from my third sleep and noticing the dark sky through the window of the quiet living room, I realize that sleeping away the pain does actually help the feeling of nausea quite well. Although I would rather have woken up on my own accord, I sit myself up and squint at the subtle headache that still remains solid at the back of my head. 

When I come around, I realize that the muted, buzzing sound is coming from my phone. It's only then that I realize that the rhythm of the vibrations isn't the same rhythm that would come from a call, but from multiple notifications.

Already, my stomach is dropping at the thought of what I think the notifications are coming from. If I thought that I was free from the inevitable sickness, I was wrong because my hand is soon wrapping around my empty, sore stomach before I'm rushing to the kitchen sink. I don't even think about wondering where Miles and Katie are, assuming that they're already in bed considering it's dark outside. 

Once I've once again emptied the contents of my stomach into the toilet, I prepare myself for the worst whilst I force my weak feet to carry me into Miles' living room. 

I scan my brain for any ideas of what all of these notifications could be coming from. I've been caught enough times by social media to know what it sounds like when they're onto me, and that's what I'm sure I'm hearing again. The only time I can think they've written about is the airport yesterday. 

Although I didn't see any cameras, I do know they're sneaky. That's the only place I've been since the boys left, so I don't see what else the notifications could be about if they're involving myself. 

When I'm urging myself to pick the phone up and read the screen, I'm glad I prepared myself for the worst because what I find myself staring at is absolutely the worst thing that could come out of the situation. 

I instantly feel my face redden with an unrecognizable emotion as I stare at the hundreds of notifications on the small screen of my screen, each of them leaving my sight as soon as even more notifications fill my screen. 

I swear I forget how to breath when my eyes scan across each and every message spamming my phone, my heart pace quickening astonishingly at the headlines that have my eyes brimming with hot tears. 

In disbelief, my shaky fingers click on a Twitter notification before I quickly tap my passcode into the phone, waiting for the slow Wi-Fi to take me to the app. As soon as the app begins to load, those hot tears are rolling down my cheeks at the sight of the list of trending topics.

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Music ● Trending

Alex Turner

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Trending

Brielle Helders

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News ● Trending

Breakup?

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The list goes on and on as I endlessly scroll through each of the topics that are spamming my phone, each scroll igniting that anger in my chest more and more. The anger soon turns into a burning sadness when I click onto one of the posts that I've been tagged in on Instagram, a picture of Alex walking along a path with that same girl who made me feel so inferior all those weeks ago. 

Megan. 

The girl who he'd promised he'd never ever go back to. 

It's then that the defeated sobs fall out of my mouth. 

It's then that my eyes sting with the burning tears that uncontrollably topple out of them. 

It's then that my heart painfully shatters. 

It takes minutes of me scrolling through the hundreds, possibly even thousands, of posts for the realization of how careless I've been with Alex to kick in. I realize that I've unknowingly given my heart to this man who's only recently just come back into my life without a care in the world. I realize that I've given my heart to this man, only to go and have it broken by the man I'd tried my best to trust. 

It takes ten minutes of me scrolling through the hundreds, possibly even thousands, of posts for the realization of how I've been betrayed by a man who I possibly loved to kick in. I realize that not only has he shown me how to possibly love, but he's shown me how cruel it can be. I realize that I've been gullibly stuck in this bubble with him, not aware of the possibilities that awaited Alex on the other side of the world. 

It takes half an hour of me scrolling through the thousands, possibly even hundreds of thousands, of posts for the realization of how stupid I've been to kick in. I realize that only stupidity could land me in a place like this. I realize that had I have listened to myself in the beginning, I wouldn't be crying on a couch that isn't even mine right now. 

It takes an hour of me scrolling through the countless amounts of aggravating posts for the realization of how much I loved Alex to kick in. I realize that I've loved him since the day I left for Liverpool, but no amount of love I showed would be able to stop him from wandering over to other girls across the world. I realize that I've known it all along, yet I've allowed that dooming fear to stop me from voicing how I actually feel about Alex. 

It takes a heartbreaking, yet so devastatingly beautiful discovery for the realization of how I need to leave to kick in. I realize that for once, I need to look after myself. I realize that I need to pick myself up from the floor, gather my things and head back to my apartment. 

It takes ten minutes for me to walk back to my apartment, and it takes ten minutes for me to sink into my bed with the sincere hope that it would swallow me.