Evelyn's Pendant

30.

I don't know if I'll ever get the answer to that. I was stupid to think I knew my sister so well, when it reality, I didn't know her at all. She was a liar. She was a drug addict. She didn't spill one word about Hazel but made herself out to be this perfect person.

I think back to our last conversation, when she told me, "Don't do anything I wouldn't at college." I responded to her that I didn't want to be bored as hell. Deep down, I think she was trying to tell me, but didn't have the nerve to do it because I shut her down.

I grab onto her pendant that hides underneath my sweatshirt and ask her, "Why? Why didn't you tell me?" I look up to the sky, hoping for some kind of answer. Immediately, I feel a droplet of water on the tip of my nose, then another on my lip, then one more on my hand. I blink my eyes in the rain that starts to come down harder.

Of course.

I don't know what else to do but cry.

I cry, I cry and I cry. I cry along with the clouds. The harder I cry, the harder it rains, at least it feels like it.

How can I miss and love someone so much but hate them so much at the same time?

I let out a breathy chuckle through my tears. Sisterhood.

I would have understood if she told me everything, her and Hazel, the drugs, the alcohol. Why was she trying to protect me so much? I was young, but I could have handled it. I think.

Minutes feel like hours as I continue to think and cry and wait for Theo to come pick up the mess I made of myself. At least an hour has passed by. I look at my phone and see that it's 5:15 in the morning. How long was I on that bus for? How long was I at the hospital? I hate losing track of time.

I hear a car pull up and quickly look and see that a black truck has pulled in front of where I'm sitting, and I see Theo frantically unbuckling his seat belt, then runs out of the truck in the torrential downpour that the rain has created.

"Lillian!" he yells over the noise of the rain. He runs over to me and grabs my weak arms and kneels down on the concrete in front of me.

"Theo," I cry as I crash into him and give him a hard hug around his neck. I bury my face in his neck and get the nostalgic smell of his cologne, woodsy and warm. Calmness slowly starts to overcome the raging fire that has built up in my chest.

He hugs me back for a few seconds, then says, "Come on, let's get out of the rain." He takes my hand and leads me to the passenger side of the truck and helps me in. It's warm and smells like him. I shake from the leftover cold that the rain has left me and my sopping hair drips on my leggings. Theo quickly gets into the driver's side and takes a deep breath, then exhales. I watch him carefully as he runs his hands through his wet, wavy brown hair. He slams his hands on the steering wheel, startling me. "What the hell are you doing in LA, Lillian?" he asks. "In the dangerous side of the city, by yourself, with nothing but the clothes on your back?" He's really pissed, and I feel bad for having him drive this early in the morning to come pick my sorry ass up.

"I'm sorry, Theo," I say with a crackling voice and tears soaking my face. "I'm so sorry."

He sighs, puts his hand on my thigh and rubs it. "It's okay. I'll take you home to your parents, okay?"

"No!" I yell. "I don't want to go home."

"Then why did you come here?" He asks, then sighs. "You're so confusing."

"I wanted to see you! The only person that I feel like I can trust in this world!"

"Without warning? In the middle of the night?" he asks. "This behavior is worrisome, Lillian."

"Do not analyze me!" I yell. "Something happened. I need to talk about it. Can we please go to your apartment?" I plead.

He sighs again. "Yeah. Sure."

He then puts the truck in drive and we head down the street.

After arriving at his cozy apartment, he gives me a change of clothes and lays me in his warm bed as I shiver from sitting in the cold rain for so long. The change of clothes smell like him and so do the silky satin sheets.

I told him everything on the car ride here. From Hazel's overdose, to what she told me about sister, and me absent-mindedly taking a ride home all the way from Seattle. He says it was a response to shock, which makes sense.

"Lillian?" he says while coming into the room.

"Yeah?" I say while all cuddled up in his blankets.

"Do you want to talk more?" he says carefully.

"Just one more thing..."

Theo comes over and sits next to me on his bed. "What's that?"

"Hazel said Evelyn was trying to protect me by keeping her secret," I say. "Why would she do that? We would talk about everything."

"Well," he sighs. "The easy answer would be just that - she wanted to protect you from the harsh reality of drug addiction. It's not pretty, and seeing someone you love go through it can be extremely hard."

"Yeah, I had to live with my dad's alcoholism," I admit. "And my mom's depression... Wait a minute-" I start to realize something.

"She was like a parental figure to you for a while, wasn't she?"

I cover my face and start to weep again.

Evelyn was always there when my parents weren't - when they were dealing with their own problems. She would make my lunches for school, make sure I was dressed properly, help me out with my baths as a kid and a lot of other things my mother or father should have done. After the death of our little brother, mom was so depressed she couldn't function as a mother properly, and dad couldn't function as a father because of the alcohol. That's why she didn't tell me anything. She was trying to protect me while she was dealing with her own problems. She didn't want to add to my list of familial issues.

"I thought she was so perfect," I admit. "Because she was pretending to be that way to protect me."

Theo pulls me in for a soft hug. "That's right. And Lillian, no one is perfect. That's something you need to learn in life. You can't hold others to such a high standard, or you will continuously be let down."

"Are you going to let me down?"

He lightly pulls away from me and tucks a stray hair behind my ear for me with his lopsided grin showing. "I might a few times," he chuckles. "But so are you; remember, no one is perfect."

I smile and sniffle as he takes his hand and caresses my cheek and looks me in the eyes. He slowly leans over and kisses the spot right between my right eye and cheek, which instantly gives me butterflies. Then he slowly makes his way down to my lips. His are warm, smooth, and minty.

After our breathtaking kiss that takes the pain away, he pulls away and says, "You should text Hannah and your roommate and let them know where you are and that you're safe, as well as your parents."

I nod. It's not fair to keep them in the dark and make them all worry about me - so I text them all. This will be my parents first time hearing about my relationship with Theo, so I expect a worried phone call from mom. But I don't mind.

Right now, right here is where I think I'm meant to be as I grasp the pendant lying on my chest. I left school for a reason, to be here, with Theo. Maybe I'm not meant to be in school; that's something I'll have to have a talk with my parents about and think more on. I smile as Theo leaves to go make me some breakfast.

I ask for crepes.

Not everything needs a reason nor an explanation.

Not everything or anyone is perfect nor pure.

Evelyn loved me and I love her all the same. I miss her, but she is always with me. Whether in the form of a necklace or a dream. She will always have my heart.

My name is Lillian Shaw,

and I no longer blame myself for my sister's death.