Evelyn's Pendant

8.

My hand is aching from grasping the pendant so hard, so I let it go and it falls gently on my chest. I decide to do something that I never pictured doing. I open my door slowly and go across the hallway and stand in Mia's doorway. I sniffle and wipe the tears from my sore eyes.

"Come here," she says as she notices me. I slowly come up to her with my head facing the floor, and she gently embraces me in a soothing hug. I cry into her shoulder but leave my arms crossed at my chest. "Talk to me, Lillian," she says. "What's going on?" My tears soak her shirt. She shushes me. "I'm here," she whispers as she slowly pulls away, but keeps her hands on my upper arms. "Can you tell me what's going on?"

I look at the floor and continue to sniffle and my teardrops fall on the floor. "How did she find out?" I squeak.

"Calm down, Lillian. Start from the beginning," Mia says with furrowed brows.

"I killed my sister."

"Wait, what?"

I look up at Mia. "And someone found out about it," I continue. "I came from Ventura, California to escape from this shit! How did she find out?" My voice is scratchy and I cover my mouth with my hand.

"Lillian, what did you mean when you said you killed your sister?" she asks me cautiously.

I sigh and look back down at my crossed arms. "I haven't talked to anyone about this besides my best friend and my parents."

She nods slowly. "You can talk to me."

My vulnerability at this moment leads to me opening up to Mia - out of anyone else. I never expected this. My life and my own personal choices have never failed to surprise me for the last two years, but I find myself needing to talk. The urge has become overwhelming. I need to be vulnerable right now.

I take a deep breath. "It was about two years ago..." I start. "My sister, Evie, and I were in the car. I was dr- driving," I stutter and bite my lip for a moment. "We were dancing."

Mia looks down and lets out a long breath.

"I wasn't paying attention... I let go of the wheel... And we crashed into an eighteen-wheeler. It killed Evie on impact," I lightly take the pendant in my sore hand again. I look up and see tears welling up in Mia's big, brown eyes as well. "I just wish it was me instead of her!" I cry. Mia gasps. "I made it out alive! And she didn't! It's all my fault."

Mia stands there idly, lost in thought. I shouldn't have said anything. Now she knows and she probably thinks of me as a murderer too, which I wouldn't blame her for. Surprisingly, she pulls me in for another hug, but a little harder this time.

"Oh, Lillian," she says in my ear. "I understand that you would want to blame yourself over what happened. But you didn't kill her."

"I did... I did kill her, Mia."

"No, you didn't. It was an accident," she says with a soothing voice. "I know there's nothing I can say or do to make the pain go away, but just remember, you're human," she pulls away from me and I continue looking down, wiping tears from my eyes. "You made a mistake, you need to learn how to forgive yourself."

"That's not possible." I snap.

"Of course it is. I think you should go and talk to someone. You can't deal with this on your own," she says carefully.

"I'm not going to see a fucking shrink if that's what you're saying!"

Mia crosses her arms. "The best way to learn how to cope with losing your sister is to talk to someone."

"I saw a psychologist up until a month ago. All she did was prescribe me mind-numbing drugs and kept asking me that 'and how does that make you feel?' bullshit!" I say. "Besides, someone here found out about it, I don't know how or who -"