Evelyn's Pendant

20.

I try to regain my breath after what just happened.

    "What am I doing?" I say aloud, to no one but myself in this lonely, empty cell.   

Why do I feel so guilty? I think back to my last night in Seattle: Asher and I made out and he made a big deal of my scars, which prompted my fight with Alexa, then gradually led to my jump off of that balcony. Does that one passionate moment that happened between us make us a 'thing'? More than friends? The fire between us was undeniable, no matter how short of moments we had together. Although, he has yet to try and contact me since I've been in this facility... Does he even care? I can't help but feel like a burden when it comes to him... I don't want him to deal with the baggage that I come with.

    Theo, though, has seen everything, the really bad, the semi-good; the best that this damned place can give me, like seeing Hannah - which he helped put together. After seeing how crazy I can get, why did he just want to kiss me? Why would he want me to visit him after I get out of here? Is this all some sort of twisted mind-fuck?

    My thoughts consume me and I just can't help but become more confused and overwhelmed. I feel like boys would be the last thing on my mind right now... but I can't help it.

    Why does everything have to be a challenge? I hope that my plan brings me some peace for once.

    My last days in the hospital go by quicker than I thought. Tess has either kept her distance or she was sent to solitary after our last encounter. Either way doesn't bother me. I don't need another fight with her to keep me back from leaving this place. Theo has also been keeping his distance as well since the moment we had in my room and our relationship has sort of gone back to 'nurse' and 'patient'. I've been feeling quite alone the past six days without my ex-friend and my nurse friend. I should have tried to make more friends here, but the only thing I've been planning is how to get the hell out, and tomorrow's finally the day.

    I can't help but be terrified to leave - this place has been a prison, but also a safe haven in a sense. A prison for the obvious reasons, but a safe haven in not having to deal with the terrors that I had in Seattle. One would think I'm even more crazy to go back, but I have to set things straight back there. I have no other choice. I don't think I would ever forgive myself or ever be satisfied if I didn't go back. I need to see my parents first, though. The thought makes me shudder under the almost boiling hot water from the shower faucet and I find my hand grasping my pendant.

    "Are you done yet?" Miranda, my orderly, says. I can't tell how long I've been spacing out for. Probably awhile, based on her annoyance and rushed tone. If she had a watch right now, she'd be tapping it.

    I quickly come back to reality and turn off the shower, wrap my body in a scratchy towel and hop out of the shower with a sort of a skip in my step.

    "Someone's excited for their big day!" Miranda says. She looks close to my age. I try to picture myself in her shoes, watching mentally ill people take showers seems like a downside of the job. All of it actually seems like a struggle; I've never actually taken any time out of my day to appreciate what the orderlies do for people like me.

    "Earth to Lillian!"

    "Sorry!" I spurt out "My 'big day' tomorrow has me lost in thought, I guess."

    "I'm sure, girl."

    "I was actually just thinking about how comfortable I have gotten here, believe it or not." I reply.

    "Oh, I believe it..." she eyes me up and down. I follow her line of sight and realized I'd dropped my towel on the floor without noticing.

    I gasp and grab my towel to cover myself, then giggle nervously. "Just distracted," I mumble as I quickly put on my clothes. After laughing along with me, Miranda walks me to my last appointment with Katherine.