Evelyn's Pendant

9.

Once I step outside in front of the dorm building, I light up a much-needed cigarette. I've developed an intense headache from crying so much tonight. I haven't cried this much in over a year. I thought I was doing well; my thoughts of Evie haven't been this intense in a long time. Usually, I'll sit at home, chain smoke until my lungs ache, fight with my mom and dad until I would just run away, ease the pain down with a bottle of liquor or numb it with smoking weed. I take a drag of my cigarette and let it out in a forced sigh. How the hell did that girl in my class find out? My stomach turns at the thought and my headache intensifies. So much for being distracted now. I was naive for thinking I could escape my pitiful life at home.

It just followed me here.

Evie always finds a way to come crawling back into my mind. Plaguing it.

"When will I get a fucking break?" I whisper to no one but myself.

I slowly inhale the smoke from my cigarette and exhale it through my nose as I close my eyes. The events from today have my mind furiously racing. The nicotine calms it ever so slightly.

"Boo!"

I jump out of fright, drop my cigarette and yelp, "What the hell?"

Hannah runs out of the darkness and comes to me and gives me the biggest hug.

"You bitch, you made me drop my cigarette," I say while we hug. "Where have you been?" I haven't seen her since the day of going to the student commons and joining the Dissidents.

She laughs and pulls away from me. "Sorry Lil, I've been so busy with classes and homework already."

"You and your damn pre-med major," I joke as I pick up my cigarette off the ground.

"So what have you been up to the past few days?" she asks. "How's college life treating you?"

I stay quiet for a moment and pay more attention to my cigarette. "I'm fine, nothing new, really. The Dissidents have been pretty cool."

"Lil, really?" she crosses her arms. "We've been best friends forever, what's going on?"

"I don't know what you're talking about."

She's not having it. Her eyes, darkened from the night, lock with mine for what seems like forever. She's not going to let me get away with this.

"Am I really that transparent?" I say as I stomp out my cigarette.

"Not really," she says. "But, I've known you for way too long to fall for that bullshit," she chuckles.

I look at Hannah and feel my mouth turn down into a slight frown. My lip trembles.

"Lillian..." she says and hugs me again. I start to sob, yet again.

Hannah just holds me in her arms and squeezes me tight. One of her hands holds the back of my head that's buried into her shoulder and the other squeezes my upper back. My favorite hugs are from Hannah. She knows exactly how to comfort me. She's been there for me through everything, even before Evie's death. She has learned how to adapt to my needs and what works best to soothe me when I'm hurting. I choke between my cries and hyperventilate through my teeth. Tears soak Hannah's sweater. I'm sure she won't mind.

"Come on, let's get out of here," she says gently and guides me back to her dorm.

As soon as we get to her room, I just drag myself over to her bed and lay down. Hannah sits at the end of her bed, quiet as a mouse. I turn onto my back and put my hands on my abdomen.

"Do you have any booze?" I say. She shakes her head and I sigh. "I need to leave," I say softly. "I have to go somewhere else."

"We can go back to your dorm if you want...?"

"No, like another state, Hannah."

"What are you talking about?"

My voice is hoarse from crying all night. "I can't be at this school anymore."

"What do you mean? We just got here not even a week ago!"

"Exactly," I say. "My secret already got out."

"What secret?"

"Evie," I squeak out her name and it burns my throat. "Someone found out that I killed Evelyn, Hannah, I thought I could escape. I thought I was going to be happy leaving home and coming all the way here," I sigh. "I thought I could start a new life."

"But Lil, you didn't-"

"Yes, I did kill her, Hannah," I say. "I'll just apply to another school and then -"

"You are not going anywhere, Lillian!" Hannah barks at me. My eyes pop open in surprise. "You can't keep running away from your problems!"

I've honestly never seen this side of Hannah before. I have no idea how to react.

She continues to yell. "I understand, Lillian, I really do. But it's time to stop feeling so sorry for yourself and move on!"

"How the hell can I move on from something that destroyed me so much?" I reply. "Yes, maybe it was a mistake, but that doesn't change anything! I still killed her!"

Hannah crosses her arms and sighs. "You're impossible."

"Whatever," I say. "I'm done with people trying to tell me what 'actually' happened. You know how many times I had to have this conversation with people today?" I stand up quickly and get in Hannah's face. "I was the only one there when it happened!" I scream. "No one else! No one else understands!"

Hannah sighs again. "Lil... I have been there by your side throughout everything that has happened over the years," she says and her voice starts cracking. "I have seen you at your worst and your best. I know what you have been through. I know you like the back of my hand. And this?" she points at me. "This is not you!" I step back, surprised. "You were an intelligent, strong, caring, and amazing woman. I know that I will never understand the pain of losing your sister... But, I can understand the pain of losing your best friend of who she used to be."

My lips tremble and my chest caves in as Hannah starts to turn away and cries into her hand.

"I'm sorry," I say, losing every last bit of pride that I have left. "You're right, Hannah," she turns back around to face me. "I'll try harder. It's just been so difficult."

"I know it has been," she pulls me in for another hug. "I love you, Lillian. I don't want to keep seeing you hurting like this, it hurts me too, you know."

I never thought of that before. I haven't thought of my actions hurting my best friend. We grew up together, went through all the phases together, did everything together.

"I love you too, Han."

Tonight was the first night someone stood up to me like that. Mia and Asher tried, but Hannah is the only one who could truly do it. I always considered her to be a little bit of a push-over and passive, but tonight she proved me wrong. I promised to try to change my frame of mind. I don't know how I will, or how long it will last, but I don't want to lose my best friend due to my actions my emotional turmoil has caused over what happened with Evelyn.

Hannah and I end up cuddling in her bed, just like how we used to when we had sleepovers when we were teenagers. As I fall asleep, my brain doesn't hesitate to torment me with harsh visuals of Evelyn; pale eyes bulging out of their sockets, crooked neck, bruised cheekbones and staggered breathing; her undead body sitting in the passenger seat of the car I'm driving - the one that I killed her in. Now it's my turn. I know when the truck horn blares.