Fix me

Chapter 45

'Are you sure you'll be ok?'

'I promise, Cheryl, please stop worrying.'

'I don't have to go today I can still come with you, it only takes a phonecall...'

'You're so sweet babe, but honestly it's alright.'

'You're shitting yourself aren't you?'

'Yes.' I laugh, taking a deep breath and inhaling Cheryl's perfume as she hugs me.

She's about to leave for the studio, being picked up by her driver, leaving me free to take the car up to Bradford, to my mum's.

'I've already spoke to Adam, he knows I'm going, he says to go straight to his if I need to, so he'll be there if I need someone. Does that make you feel better?'

'I suppose.' Cheryl sighs. 'I'm right on the other end of the phone, okay? Promise you'll ring us, it doesn't matter when or why--'

'I promise, babe. Go on, get lost.' I wink.

Cheryl pulls a face, then pulls me in for a kiss before going to the door. She gives me a little wave as she closes it. 'Good luck babe, I love you.'

'Love you too. Bye!'

I go and stand on the balcony with a cup of coffee, waiting for the sky to lighten a little more before I set off. She doesn't know I'm coming; I haven't spoken to her and I asked Adam not to tell her. I don't know what I'm hoping for today; everybody seems to think it's a good idea to try and put the past behind me and try and rebuild the relationship with my mother, but I can't see it being anything but a disaster. I don't feel happy about the prospect of doing it, I can't see myself coming out of it feeling relieved or elated. Because there's a few things I want to clear up first. In the end I leave about an hour after Cheryl, with nothing more to do to delay my journey.

I spend the whole drive to my old home asking myself why I'm doing this, who exactly I'm doing this for. I hate the fact that by the time I pull into the street I once lived, the only I answer I've managed to come up with is that I'm doing it for my Dad.

When my mum answers the door, we stand staring at each other for a long time. She keeps looking like she wants to smile, keeps twitching forwards like she wants to hug me or something, but in the end she just says, 'D'you want to come in?'

'P-please.'

'Can I get you a cuppa?'

'No, thanks.'

'Sit down... It's good to see you.'

I force a smile, sit in my dad's old chair. She notices this and smiles too.

'Is everything ok?'

'Yeah... why?'

She sits facing me. 'Nothing... I was just wondering what brought you here love that's all. I thought-well, I didn't think I'd see you again.'

'I'm here on professional advice.' I say grimly, deciding on the spot to tell her.

'Professional advice?'

'I'm in counselling... slash anger management sort of thing.'

She looks shocked, and remains speechless for a long time.

'So... you didn't come because you wanted to?'

She looks so sad and small then, that I almost want to give her a hug. Almost.

'Well... kind of. I-I want to start again... I want to try and forget... everything. I-if you want to.'

'Really?'