Fix me

Chapter 43

It takes almost an hour to get in the car and set off. Cheryl's moving like a zombie, but I know that look. Her head is in the past, pressing down on her.

Once we're on the motorway, she still hasn't said a word. I reach across and rest my hand on her thigh, and she jumps. 'Sorry.' I say. 'Are you ok? No, don't answer that... tell me what you're thinking babe.'

'I'm scared.' Cheryl whispers.

'Why?'

'I'm scared of seeing him again... things... last time I saw him he said he never wanted to see us again.'

I glance across, see she is crying again. I briefly squeeze her hand. 'Cheryl, listen, he didn't mean it. If he did, he wouldn't be asking for you now. He must regret it babe.'

'It was at Andrew's funeral. H-he said it was my fault... he said I was always the one who could talk to him and I hadn't tried hard enough, it was my fault he died...'

'Chez, don't upset yourself... I bet you anything, the first thing he'll say when he sees you're there is that he's sorry. I'd put my life on it.'

Cheryl doesn't answer for a long time.

'I don't know what happened with us.' She sighs suddenly. 'When I was growing up... most of me memories growing up involve him, he was the most amazing dad... even after him and me mam split up when I was eleven, he was always there, nothing changed... then I think he lost his job, and things were bad anyway we always struggled to put food on the table... after he lost his job it got worse than ever, then all of a sudden he was giving us money again but not saying where he'd got it, then I was seeing him less and less... then he started getting violent...'

I glance across at her again. She's staring at her knees, biting her nails.

'I was there when he got arrested, he told us to look after me little brother.' She cried, bursting into tears again. I check the mirrors briefly; the motorway is mostly deserted. I pull onto the hard shoulder, whip off my seatbelt and pull a sobbing Cheryl into my arms. All of a sudden it's like she can't stop talking.

'The funeral was so awful, he had to be escorted by police... everything went smoothly then he started screaming at us at the grave... he kept sayin' I'd broke me promise and he'd never forgive us, and when they got rid of him he said he never wanted to see us or speak to us again...'

'Cheryl, ssshhhh, stop it babe, stop doing this to yourself... come on, it's alright...'

When Cheryl's sobs fade, she sits up, sniffing. I cup her face and kiss her cheek. 'Did you try to get in touch with him after that?'

Cheryl nods. 'A few times... he never answered, so I gave up. I shouldn't have.'

I catch the fresh tears that fall from her eyes. 'Hey, come on. Look, I know this sounds daft, but what do you feel about him now?'

'I miss him.' Cheryl cries. 'I always have. I just put that day down to grief... Kimba what if this is me last chance?'

'Chez, it's gonna be alright.'

'You don't know that, what if he dies? I'm not daft I know it might happen.'

She pulls away, sliding back into her seat, but keeps hold of my hand, looking at me sadly.

'Then we better hurry up then hadn't we?'

She just nods, and gives me the tiniest of smiles. I pull back onto the motorway and accelerate.

'He's not going to die.' I suddenly say.

'How do you know?'

'He isn't going to die. I know you're scared babe... but once you see him again, everything will be ok, I really believe that.'