Fix me

Chapter 4

I think I was about twelve when I realised I was into girls.

There was this one girl in my year at school. We sat together in Maths, and we would laugh and joke all the way through it, every single day, but she was brilliant at it. She would do the work as quickly as possible, help me with mine, then go back to fooling around, doodling on bits of paper and making jokes about anything and everything.

Our classes always joined together for PE classes aswell. We had separate groups of friends then, but when we had to pick teams for Netball she was a captain and she picked me first. She was brilliant at it. I was rubbish. She asked me if I wanted to help her practice after school and I said yes to spend more time with her. After about two weeks, I kissed her.

I don't know why I did it, it was ridiculous. I didn't catch the ball and it bounced off and we both raced to get it, got there at the same time. We both grabbed it at the same time and started wrestling with each other for it, giggling. Then I pulled her in using the ball and kissed her full on the mouth.

After that, she never spoke to me again. I don't think she told anybody, but she moved away from me in Maths and never even looked at me in PE. My brother and I had become much closer over the last few months and he knew something was wrong. I found myself telling him everything. He was nearly sixteen by this point. I remember him telling me that if she was a real friend she would have forgiven me, so I hadn't really lost anything. He asked me if I was a lesbian. I didn't even really properly know what one was then, so I said no and that I was just confused. I remember him saying, 'Well you're a bit young to know really, but if you were, I wouldn't care.'

Even though I think that was the nicest thing anyone ever said to me, I still hid my sexuality after that. On the outside I acted like any other teenage girl, lusting after boys, going out with plenty. But on the inside I always knew.

'If you were, I wouldn't care', my brother had said. But he lied.

In the space of an afternoon, I've become a massive fan of Cheryl Cole.

I listen to all three of her albums while she potters around doing various things, and she's amazing. When the last song goes off I just sit there, smiling foolishly. 'Wow.'

Cheryl is texting, and looks up from her phone. 'What?'

'Wow. You're... you're music is... Wow. I love it!'

'Aah, thanks pet, I'm glad.' She sits up, dropping her phone next to her. 'What's your favourite song then?' she winks.

'Oh I don't know yet! I think "Heaven". No, "Raindrops" Oh, I don't know! What's yours?'

'It changes every week.'

'Well what is it this week?'

'I think "Rain On Me".'

'Yeah, that one too. I didn't think you were that good to be honest. I'm more of an Indie girl.'

'Can I give you some friendly advice?' Cheryl smirks.

'If you must...'

'Try not to listen to music based on genre. If you're only gonna listen to certain types of music, you could be missing out on some really good music. Like, if you're a hip-hop lover, and refuse to listen to rock; there are some amazing rock songs out there.'

'Good point. Go on then surprise me; what rock music do you like?'

'Have you heard of Green Day?'

'Yeah, course.'

'I absolutely love them.' Cheryl sighs. 'I'd love to go and see them... you should listen to a bit of that too, I've got all their albums.'