Where You Belong

128

"How was your time off?"

Meredith sat back against the familiar couch, content to allow Wyatt to ease her into the session. It had a month now since she'd fully opened up and told the therapist about her mother's suicide attempt. They had spent hours of therapy discussing its effect on Meredith. Hours of therapy. And countless more hours outside of therapy were spent thinking and debating what she was feeling. But Meredith had yet to feel relief from the memory that had plagued her for more than two decades.

If anything, she felt more haunted now by the memory. She thought of it every day; the blood, the fear, the helplessness. On multiple occasions, she had been woken from nightmares of that day to her husband's soothing voice and warm arms holding her tight. She woke up in the morning feeling less than fully rested, regardless of how much sleep she got.

She couldn't go on like this much longer. She'd opened herself up in order to fully heal from the inside, but the healing wasn't happening and the feelings were cracking her resolve and making her feel unstable and vulnerable.

She had managed to let go of her anger towards the Chief for her short time off with her husband. They had stayed home for two glorious days. They'd lounged around in bed both mornings, snuggled on the couch and gone out for dinner. For more than forty-eight uninterrupted hours, she was able to be happy and free. But then she'd returned to work that morning and the moment she'd stepped in the front doors of the hospital, it had felt like a vice tightened around her chest.

She couldn't be free inside the hospital. She couldn't step out from her mother's shadow or the Chief's control inside the hospital. She couldn't escape the feelings of hurt and vulnerability and anger inside the hospital.

"It was great," she said, honestly, wishing she could rewind and still be off work.

"Any nightmares?"

She sighed, but nodded. "One. The first night."

"The same as normal?"

"Yup."

The blood was warm as it pooled around her, soaking into her pants.

Terrified, but refusing to cry, she sat silent and still, staring at her mother's bleeding form.

Ellis's eyes were open, but dull. She seemed to be staring at the pool of blood surrounding her daughter. "Meredith," she whispered.

"Mommy," Meredith whimpered, feeling weak as her lower lip trembled.

Ellis's gaze flickered towards her, eyes as dead as they'd been since that day in the park when she'd left Meredith on the carousel. "Meredith," she said again, this time a little louder. "Be extraordinary." Her eyes closed for several moments and Meredith wondered if they'd ever open again.

She looked towards the phone hanging on the wall across the kitchen. Her mother had made her promise not to call for help, but that had been before she'd cut her wrists with the scalpel. And there was a lot of blood on the floor now.

Ellis's eyes opened again. "Be an extraordinary woman, Meredith," she said, more evenly than before. And for a long moment, she held Meredith's gaze before her eyes shut again.

This time Meredith knew they wouldn't open again.

She hated the tears that fell from her eyes because they made her weak. She didn't want to be weak. Making a decision, she stood and hurried for the phone. Her father had taught her to call 911 before he had disappeared. With shaking hands, she dialled the numbers-

"Meredith," saida familiar voice, calling her name.

She looked to the phone, but it was gone from her hands. And then the world around her changed as she opened her eyes.